"The Worst Movie Never Made (Yet)"
Trying to explain the complex subtext about losing your innocence and creating love on your own terms in a movie about a really rich guy who loses a sled is next to impossible to explain in a title. Especially when it's to a group of people who made "The Dukes of Hazzard" the number one movie in America, a movie so dumb it has a misspelled word in the title.
But just like Armageddon, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse and a vehicle for Larry the Cable Guy, there would come a day when the world would be subjected to the dumbest movie ever made, a movie so dumb that it would become the most popular movie in the worldÉeven before anyone had a chance to see it.
Well, fear now because that movie is upon us and it's called "Snakes on a Plane."
There's more buzz in this thing than a pot of Starbucks coffee brewed with 10 ounces of mowie wowie. The trailer hit the web and the world went nuts. So why all the hype? Let's break the movie down based on what we know so far.
It stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent sworn to protect a major mob witness who gets trapped on the plane with poisonous snakes as part of a fiendish plot to bump off the witness at 30,000 feet. In other words, it's Samuel L. Jackson vs. the Snakes. Just imagine a raging SL going mano y animano on the big screen. This is his big chance for revenge. He's faced sharks and lost. He battled the Emperor from "Star Wars" and lost. He appeared in "XXX2: State of the Union" with Ice Cube and lostÉhis dignity.
The thing that's reeling in the most eyeballs is the title. "Snakes on a Plane," this is the first time in movie history that the title has fully explained the plot of the film. It should be called "Cliffs Notes: The Movie." No symbolist tomes here like "Terror at 30,000 Feet" or "Venom in the Sky" or "Death Gets Bumped Up to Business Class." If you've read the title, then you've seen the movie. Sorry for the spoilers.
Of course, what's most attractive to Hollywood is the potential for movie spin-offs about man vs. beast on a popular mode of transportation.
"This summer, get ready for the thrill ride of your life. You'll go ape for 'Gorillas on a Train.'"
"They'll wait until you break down and then until your dead. Coming to a theater near you, it's 'Vultures in a Volvo.'"
"Watch your back and your baby. Coming this fall, it's 'Dingoes on a Rubber Raft.'"
It's also bound to have more over the top acting, unnecessary violence and dumb dialogue than the Fox News Channel. It doesn't have anything going for it. It's got no plot, no purpose, no point. Everything about this flick just screams dumb.
Man I can't wait to see it.