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The Upside of a Low IQ

A great many people ask me how I can manage my daily affairs without the modern technological marvels of a Blackberry or Palm Pilot, and to that I respond, “I can’t even read”. At this point in the interaction, I have quickly managed the conversational upper hand, and my counterpart typically shakes his (or her) head as if saying, “You’re an idiot.” But who really is the idiot?? And has the huntee just become the hunted?? Needless to say, whatever comes of this encounter, someone ends up in a headlock.

And wouldn’t it be oh-so-nice not to be able to read? During your formative years, this would have been an epic excuse for why your copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s “Slaughter House Five” was untouched and maintaining its pristine new book smell. Or in a Court of Law when pleading your case against running at the pool, you could cite that the signs were nothing but a muddle of foreign characters to you. It could even prove useful when forgetting a girlfriend’s or wife’s birthday, or one of those women-friendly holidays such as Valentine’s Day or Thanksforgiving Labor day. “Honey, while I feel somewhat terrible and remorseful, you know those calendars have words on them”.. (Decidedly awkward silence).. Here.. (Extending a hand) have some delicious candy hearts. I assume they say something nice.”

Inevitably, people’s irritation with your inability to read would rear its ugly head in the form of their championing your enrollment in kindergarden classes, or perhaps even the sponsorship of a ‘learn to read’ tool kit, such as Hooked on Phonics or the Alphabet edition of SpaghettiOs Soup. My recommendation here would be to ask for an Amazon.com gift certificate and buy chocolate instead (Perhaps in the form of a Cell Phone or Blackberry).

As we all know, the real life reality of illiteracy is not a funny topic. It is a silent epidemic that is more prevalent than we think, but less talked about than it should be.

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