Holy Wars



Do you realize thereís a houseplant called a Wandering Jew? Appalling, I know.Frankly, Iím surprised the plant protection arm of the ACLU hasnít already been all over this one. Itís a botanical ticking time bomb, for Godís sake. Well, I say we rectify this situation immediately, before the law suits start piling up.


Thereís got to be a more suitable name than Wandering Jew out there. But what else could we call it? Its latin name is zebrina pendula, but that doesnít have much pizzazz, and hardly anyone speaks latin anymore. How about we call it a Gallivanting Plant of Hebrew Descent? NahÖtoo wordy.Yiddish Oy Vey? (commonly known as Rabbiís Ivy.) Or hey, how about a Purple Pendulous Drooper? Oh, wait. I can just see the Union for the Preservation of Buxom Obese Octogenarian Breasts (U.P.B.O.O.B.S.) getting all offended about that one.


I think weíre gonna need to come at this from a different angleÖa whole new perspective. Wait a minute, hereís a thought: why not come up with offensive names for all the rest of the plants? You know, kinda even it all out by offending everyone equally.


So, letís seeÖweíll need a Groping Catholic, a Bombing Muslim, and a Pilfering Evangelist. Letís throw in a Condemning Baptist and a Ruminating Hindu for good measure. Oh, and we canít leave out the Doubting Atheists and Vacillating Agnostics. There. I think weíve gotten just about everyone.Itís much easier this way, isnít it?


Well, Iím glad we got that cleared up, and if youíll excuse me Iíve got to go rename some school mascots.