06E065

Holy Wars

Do you realize there’s a houseplant called a Wandering Jew? Appalling, I know. Frankly, I’m surprised the plant protection arm of the ACLU hasn’t already been all over this one. It’s a botanical ticking time bomb, for God’s sake. Well, I say we rectify this situation immediately, before the law suits start piling up.

There’s got to be a more suitable name than Wandering Jew out there. But what else could we call it? Its latin name is zebrina pendula, but that doesn’t have much pizzazz, and hardly anyone speaks latin anymore. How about we call it a Gallivanting Plant of Hebrew Descent? Nah…too wordy. Yiddish Oy Vey? (commonly known as Rabbi’s Ivy.) Or hey, how about a Purple Pendulous Drooper? Oh, wait. I can just see the Union for the Preservation of Buxom Obese Octogenarian Breasts (U.P.B.O.O.B.S.) getting all offended about that one.

I think we’re gonna need to come at this from a different angle…a whole new perspective. Wait a minute, here’s a thought: why not come up with offensive names for all the rest of the plants? You know, kinda even it all out by offending everyone equally.

So, let’s see…we’ll need a Groping Catholic, a Bombing Muslim, and a Pilfering Evangelist. Let’s throw in a Condemning Baptist and a Ruminating Hindu for good measure. Oh, and we can’t leave out the Doubting Atheists and Vacillating Agnostics. There. I think we’ve gotten just about everyone. It’s much easier this way, isn’t it?

Well, I’m glad we got that cleared up, and if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go rename some school mascots.