Rules for (and of) the Rulers


Abramoff's Realization: Sometimes knowing Jack isn't such a good thing.

Ailes' Abstraction: News is what we decide is news and how we decide what is news is our business, for which we are very well paid.

Alito's Way: A conflict of interest isn't a conflict of interest as long as a judge says it isn't a conflict of interest and only a judge with a vested interest in the conflict has the ability to judge that.

Brownie's Dogmatism: Even the inept can get a job if they know the 'right' people.

Cheney's Construction: When in a jam, you can always find better things to do.

CNN's Complexity: We are the most trusted name in news as long as it doesn't interfere with Time Warner's profits.

Condoleezza's Principle of Footwear: You can spend enough on shoes to cover the earth in leather.

Coulter's Confabulation: Extensive footnotes always add an air of perfumed veracity to the stench of sordid propaganda.

Dean's Directive: When on TV, always use your 'indoor' voice.

DeLay's Dictum: If you use a hammer often enough, you will eventually hit your own thumb.

Dick's Declamation: Plausible deniability only works when it's undeniably plausible.

Dobson's Diversion: There is nothing so stupid that it cannot be relied upon to increase donations.

Dubya's Denouement: Ultimately, like Caesar, it is your friends who will do you in.

Falwell's Fundamentals: God never changes his mind unless I do first.

Fox's Fulcrum: If there is no one on the other side of the teeter-totter, you are sitting on the ground going nowhere.

Frist's Instruction: Outrage is no substitute for honesty, and what part of 'blind trust' don't you understand?

Greenspan's Locution: Always accept enormous amounts of credit for small amounts of work.
Hannity's Howler: I love America so much I want to own the place.

Kerry's Conundrum: A politician must always strictly adhere to his or her positions of the past, even after a tank has run over your cavalry horse.

Miers' Meme: Cronyism has its limits and the cronies are always limited.

Novak's Nullification: The sewage drainpipe is the most important part of modern plumbing and the highest function of the political journalist.

Robert's Rule of Place Your Order: To cinch a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, reveal less about yourself than a teenager has to reveal applying for part-time job at a fast-food restaurant.

Rove's Reminder: Remember, both Machiavelli and McKinley ended badly.

Rumsfeld's Redoubt: If you don't know how to use the army you have, don't start any wars.

Scooter's Posit: Commit perjury until the election's over so that the politician you helped elect can then pardon you for perjury.

Waltonís Mountain: Low prices and healthy competition are the American way. Well, one out of two ainít bad.

Wolf's Whistle: Large TV screens and an urgency in the voice always make the trivial appear important.

Woodstein's Corollary: The most damning information always comes from sources that wish to remain anonymous.