Big, ButÖ


America is a nation that idolizes big -- big money, big houses, big buildings, big cars, big trucks, big oil, big corporations, big arenas, big games, big sales, big muscles, big breasts, big penises, big eyes, big lips, big hair, big cigars, big smiles, big deals, big hits, big raises, big guns, big wheels, big box-office, big sellers, big steaks, big box stores, big screen TVs, Big Blue, Big Economy Sizes, Big Tops, Big Cheeses, Big Men On Campus, Big Breakfasts, Big Enchiladas, Big Stuffed Pizzas, Big Gulps, Big Macs, Big Boys, Big Rock Candy Mountains, Big Bad Johns, the Big Apple, and the Big Easy (currently under reconstruction).

Oddly, the adoration of all things 'big' doesn't extend to two areas: electronics and bellies.

You don't hear Americans bragging:

"Hey, look at the size of my new cell phone -- it's like a baby's arm with a pineapple at the end!"

"Hah! Get a load of mine -- it doubles as a dirt bike!"

"That's nothing; I can serve a gourmet dinner for six on my laptop!"

And advertisers aren't swamping the airwaves with:

"Verizon not only has the world's largest cellular network, but take a peek at the size of our cell phones! Here's the Goliath Model VC-9000 that comes complete with its own four-wheeled cart!"

"Check out the new Motorola Razor -- a cell phone so tremendous you'll have to strap it to the top of your car! Buy now and get one year of rupture insurance absolutely free! The Motorola Razor -- at four-feet long, it's a razor big enough for a king -- King Kong!"

We also donít cotton to personal computers that take up half the room with keys so large you have to use your fist to type each letter.

And most Americans are on a losing mission to disguise or reduce the size of their abdomens; you'd think, in this one category of American 'growth,' we'd make a virtue of obesity and be proud of our huge guts:

"The economy is tanking, the government's being run by greedy incompetents, we're in debt past our eyeballs, our military's stretched way too thin, we're bogged down in two wars that aren't going to end well, our jobs are going overseas, glaciers the size of Rhode Island are melting, our air and water are getting more polluted, but, damn, look at the size of my magnificent belly!"

As the saying goes: When nature gives you lemons, make a lemon meringue pie -- and eat it all in one sitting. And make sure itís a big lemon meringue pie, too.