The New Olympics



"And now, the U.S. judo team will square off against the Iraqi judo team for the occupation of Najaf, while the sailboat competition will determine which country gets one free hurricane bail-out."

    "That's right, Ken. In the mid-east, it's Israel vs. Palestine in badminton to determine who gets Jerusalem for the next four years, and if Germany beats Czechoslovakia in the decathlon, they get back the Sudetenland."

    "A lot of people have asked about terrorism this year. Al-Qaeda has been banned from the event but they still run the concessions, with a sizable percentage of the revenue going to 9/11 reparations."

    "That's right, Ken, and don't forget that the Olympics not only solves territorial disputes but disagreements over tariffs, international law, and love. A lot of eyes are going to be on female handball, which will determine whether Jennifer Aniston has to take back Brad Pitt."

    "So true, which is why so many nations have seen their economy shift from defense related activities to Olympics related activities. Japan intends on doubling its whale ration by pummeling Iceland in female basketball, and if Canada overwhelms Sweden in gymnastics, as they're the odds on favorite to do, a lot of Oslovians are going to wake up and discover their lox tax has doubled."

    "And let's not ignore Asia. A lot of eyes are going to be on Japan vs. China as men's polo will determine the fate of Hong Kong for the next four years."

    "That's right, Ken. As usual, control of the international canal zone at Panama will be decided by women's butterfly, with Cuba looking to be the favorite."

    "Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, more than seven million dollars is riding on one single event. Competing for the first time is the Sequoia Nation, who is favored to win back Nevada in beach volleyball, thus moving Las Vegas gambling revenue from the Mafia to the Indians for the first time in decades. Look for a bloodbath."

    "That's right, Ken."

    "Be sure to come back tomorrow when the fate of the Gaza strip will be decided in a four-way-contest between Palestine, Israel, Egypt, and the Nation of Islam in table tennis."

    "Say Ken? Will there be any more coverage of the New Olympics?"

    "That was decided earlier today in a split decision between Portugal and Haiti in field hockey. The judges have decided my name isn't Ken and I'm going to have to shoot you."