Odd tan lines are part and parcel of a very evolved practical western
uniform. Historical photographs record
the romantic phase of ranch wear, c.1880-1930. Cowmen watered horses from
ten-gallon hats and wore wooly angora chaps. In tight boots, tall under slung
boot heels and lady leg spurs, cowmen looked as dashing as uptown S&M
hookers. Yet no historian has explained why angora chaps aren’t worn today, or
how the twelve beaver Stetson evolved into the baseball cap.
While
leather chaps protect cowmen from cactus, wooly chaps in the rain weigh 200
lbs. and smell of wet sheep, the main factor precipitating the cowmen-
sheepherder wars.
Tight
boots and hats happen when boot leather and hat felt get wet. If it is raining,
of what use is the expression ‘put out to dry’? Relief comes thanks to savvy
forward thinking boot emporiums. Good boot salesmen notice when cowmen walk
across the carpet as though they are hanging on to a saddle horn or barn
rafters to aid forward momentum.
“Sir, how
long since your feet were measured?”
“Haven’t
ever, but these boots feel about right.”
“Sir, try
these. They may be more comfortable.”
“Whoo-hoo. These feel great.”
“Sir, two
sizes larger, your proper size.”
“No wonder
I’ve never wanted to get off Buck to open the gate.”
“Obliged
to help.”
“Say, I’ve had a headache…I thought it was from squinting at the
sun….ya don’t suppose my hat…?”
The West
was ready for the adjustable size baseball, or
‘gimme’ cap. Loggers found them first. Orange with a Stihl chainsaw on
the front, the hat announced that the faller had a new chainsaw.
“See you
got a gimme”, said the crew.
“Nah, the
hat set me back seven hundred fifty. They threw in the saw”
Truckers discovered the ‘gimmes’ next. Hats sporting Peterbuilt trucks rolled down the road. Soon cowmen displayed advertisements for Bull Semen on their foreheads. Truth is that cowmen seldom had taste in hats anyway, and most looked no worse in caps. Cowmen still had dark leather tanned faces from the eyes down and shining white foreheads and bald domes above the eyes without their hats. The big change was their bright red sun burned necks, from no hat brim for shade.
While a
cowman without his hat is sorry sight enough, add skinny white bow legs, a
paunch like a glowing moon, a white chest attached to bright red sun burnt
arms, and then say, “Hip Hooray for Levi Strauss and Fruit of the Loom”. Compared
to a near nude cowman, an overweight sun baked beach bather in Florida is easy
on the eyes.
What
right minded cowman would attempt to ride a horse, buck hay bales, crawl
through a barb wire fence or mow the gopher mounds in the front yard with the
lawn mower wearing beach attire? The Western cowman is a practical man. Think
this over, the next time you grill a steak wearing beach shoes.