06E131
Weight
Watchers
Early on January 2nd,
after a night of vomiting, I discovered my belly button had gotten enormous. In
my Buddha position, on the edge of my bed, I looked down and saw my small
umbilical hernia had developed into a huge rupture. My wife advised me to see
my local G.P. and a surgeon. My G.P. told me to go to weight watchers to reduce
my girth before surgery.
On Friday, January the
13th that I arrived on the second floor of the meeting hall. I was
puffing after a long climb up the stairs. As I entered the room of weight
watchers, things looked omninously busy. There were about 20 women for each
man. The women were not fat, perhaps plump, but their form, fitness and fashion
were flawless.
I paid my $12.00 and
received a booklet of rules, a paper slide rule for calculating points and
calories. The trim woman handling the electric scale gasped when she recorded
my weight.
When I plugged in my
hearing aids I heard her say, “How tall are you?”
“I used to be 6’ 2” but
I’ve shrunk in a linear direction by two inches and expanded horizontally.”
She looked at me quizzically and then said, in
a-no-nonsense way, “Please fill out our admission form.”
The receptionist was a
beautiful left-handed blonde. She was fit and wore expensive form fitting
clothes well. When she signed me up I noticed three diamond rings on her ring
finger. She wore a gold wedding ring and three diamond rings filled the
phalanx. She had a sparkling finger and a radiant smile.
I thought to myself – I
wonder how many times she has been engaged… three? What happened to the first
two engaging young men? They say, ‘gentlemen prefer blondes but do blondes
prefer gentlemen?’ The receptionist held the answer on her ring finger.
My advisors told me I
was to lose 25 pounds over three months. My food allowance was calculated by a
point system with the use of my slide rule. I was told to buy a 100-pound sack
of low calorie tasteless synthetic potato chips at Wal Mart. It was the best
buy of the month.
Then an attractive young
woman started the workshop by giving out silver stars. Small stars were glued
onto your weigh-in-book if you lost five pounds in a week. If you lost 25
pounds a large star cold be worn on your chest like a sheriff’s badge.
We were admonished to
drink eight – 8 oz. glasses of water daily. Now, plagued by a big prostate and
a leaky faucet, I knew I would have to buy a large box of snuggy diapers on my
way home.
When we adjourned, I
was asked to buy a DVD written by Royalty [Princess Fergie]. I mentioned that,
“we only had VHS at home.”
The receptionist
shrugged and said, “too bad.” She flashed me a brilliant smile and a glowing
finger –“see you next week.”