Weight Watchers



            Early on January 2nd, after a night of vomiting, I discovered my belly button had gotten enormous. In my Buddha position, on the edge of my bed, I looked down and saw my small umbilical hernia had developed into a huge rupture. My wife advised me to see my local G.P. and a surgeon. My G.P. told me to go to weight watchers to reduce my girth before surgery.

            On Friday, January the 13th that I arrived on the second floor of the meeting hall. I was puffing after a long climb up the stairs. As I entered the room of weight watchers, things looked omninously busy. There were about 20 women for each man. The women were not fat, perhaps plump, but their form, fitness and fashion were flawless.

            I paid my $12.00 and received a booklet of rules, a paper slide rule for calculating points and calories. The trim woman handling the electric scale gasped when she recorded my weight.

            When I plugged in my hearing aids I heard her say, “How tall are you?”

            “I used to be 6’ 2” but I’ve shrunk in a linear direction by two inches and expanded horizontally.”

She looked at me quizzically and then said, in a-no-nonsense way, “Please fill out our admission form.”

            The receptionist was a beautiful left-handed blonde. She was fit and wore expensive form fitting clothes well. When she signed me up I noticed three diamond rings on her ring finger. She wore a gold wedding ring and three diamond rings filled the phalanx. She had a sparkling finger and a radiant smile.

            I thought to myself – I wonder how many times she has been engaged… three? What happened to the first two engaging young men? They say, ‘gentlemen prefer blondes but do blondes prefer gentlemen?’ The receptionist held the answer on her ring finger.

            My advisors told me I was to lose 25 pounds over three months. My food allowance was calculated by a point system with the use of my slide rule. I was told to buy a 100-pound sack of low calorie tasteless synthetic potato chips at Wal Mart. It was the best buy of the month.

            Then an attractive young woman started the workshop by giving out silver stars. Small stars were glued onto your weigh-in-book if you lost five pounds in a week. If you lost 25 pounds a large star cold be worn on your chest like a sheriff’s badge.

            We were admonished to drink eight – 8 oz. glasses of water daily. Now, plagued by a big prostate and a leaky faucet, I knew I would have to buy a large box of snuggy diapers on my way home.

            When we adjourned, I was asked to buy a DVD written by Royalty [Princess Fergie]. I mentioned that, “we only had VHS at home.”

            The receptionist shrugged and said, “too bad.” She flashed me a brilliant smile and a glowing finger –“see you next week.”