They say a picture is worth 1000 words, we are limited to 500, the reality being regardless of how magnificent my creativity the result can only equal half that of a picture at best.


In any case I’ve chosen my 500 words and have them layed out before me in neat little cutout pieces. A wino stumbled by and suggested taping them to the dumpster, which was a stroke of genius.


Obviously the first words chosen were all 53 from my Big Book of Words which is currently under production and due to be released within the millennium. It’s similar to a dictionary except words are listed numerically by definition, then misspelled in every conceivable way allowing for easy recognition, then finally the word itself. Movie rights are negotiable.


Before I begin I have a few questions…


Are words allowed to be used more than once? If so, do they still count as one word? For instance I say “Huh? a lot.


How many letters are we allowed? I’ve found that some words are bigger than others and educated people would have an unfair advantage without prerequisites.


What are the categories? My best are “Rambling” and “Going Off On Tangents”, which you have seriously stymied with the word limitations.


How will the prize be awarded? A few years ago my next door neighbor had a big truck pull up in front of her place, with horns blowing and confetti flying, announcing she won a brand new home from that magazine clearing house…only they said she had to move out of the trailer park.


Will there be an award for Honorable Mention? I’ve never been mentioned honorably in my life and that would be special to my dear departed Aunt Minnie who always said, “It is much better to be mentioned honorably…than to burn in Hell!” (Whoops! I forgot to ask, are we allowed to speak French?)


Are the judges well versed? They need to know how to read my work. I write a different kind of humor. My humor is not funny. It’s kind of like poetry that doesn’t rhyme. If they’re looking for merriment tell them to never mind and just consider the content.


Speaking of judges, do any of yours take bribes? I know that Harry Andersen fellow does. Don’t you find it a bit odd that the guy who played him in real life also used to play a judge…and now HE is playing a judge?


In regards to the Awards Banquet…I’m afraid I get rather nervous in crowds. I tried picturing them in their underwear then I thought, what if they’re picturing me in my underwear, and I got really nervous. So if I win could you send my award posthumously?


If I do not win will you please mail back my ten dollars?


Ok…I’m ready to start…


Sorry…I racked my brain for a solid eight minutes and came up with nothing.


You probably don’t want me making a farce out of this humor contest anyway.