07-005
The naked truth about our
calendar [Published Dec. 28, 2006]
No doubt one gift you
received in the past couple of weeks is one you will actually keep and use: a
2007 calendar.
The humble calendar you hold
in your hand is the culmination of millennia of struggle, as humankind strove
to find out for sure what day it was. It started as a way to predict the next
harvest, and we have now refined it into a sophisticated tool that helps us
turn five vacation days into a 10-day escape by strategically deploying them
next to holidays and weekends.
Also, we have added nudity.
The nude calendar has become
a respectable fund-raiser, thanks to some older English garden-club ladies who
posed behind strategically positioned melons or shovels or birdbaths and were
eventually portrayed on film by fine actresses doing Yorkshire accents behind
melons or shovels or birdbaths.
Now everybody does a nude
calendar, from humane societies to librarians. The Nude British Columbia Gold
Rush History Calendar features a “new set of historic tongue-in-cheek gold rush
poses,” an image I don’t care to dwell on.
Ancient cultures had trouble
figuring out how to deal with the solar year’s extra quarter-day. A long lunch?
Also, months have to be of different lengths, which means somebody has to come
up with a rhyming poem that everyone recites with their eyes rolled up to
remember how many days are in each one.
By the time the Romans came
along, nobody had any idea how old they were or when to mail their tax forms.
The Romans were can-do people who had plumbing and bureaucracy, and they were by gollus going to straighten out the
calendar. Which they nearly did. Except they thought even numbers were unlucky.
Remember: These are the guys
who engineered aqueducts and buildings by making calculations with Roman
numerals. Like multiplying the Olympics by the Super Bowl. And they thought
even numbers were unlucky?
“You can’t put XIV columns
on this temple. It’s unlucky.”
“But isn’t XIII unluckier?”
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve
told you M times ...”
“I know, I know. This is
Architecture CI. All right, I’ll LXXXVI the XIVth column.”
The Romans were so picky
about how long their months were that most months didn’t contain enough days,
so every other year had to include a 13th month, called Mercedonius.
(The scandalous Empress
Messalina was a former Miss Mercedonius.)
The calendar was off again
by the time it landed on Julius Caesar’s desk, so he overhauled the months and
moved the start of the new year from the first day of spring to the first day
of January, which is completely arbitrary and, therefore, a good time to
schedule a hangover.
The calendar we have now is
STILL 26 seconds too long. That will add up to a whole day after MMMCCCXXIII
years.
Which is, coincidentally,
also the amount of time it will take to balance the federal budget by selling
copies of the U.S. Congress nude calendar, featuring lawmakers hiding behind
the flag.