07-017

How To Sleep Like a Pro

People keep telling me, "You need help!" I am a big Do-It-Yourself-er, so I browsed Amazon.com, looking for the perfect self-help book.

Did you know that there are, at any given moment, approximately 1,000,000 self-help books in print? Besides the classics like "Think and Grow Rich" and "The Power of Positive Thinking" there are now specialty niche books and tapes, thank goodness. I mean, they can't all say the same thing in the same way, without confusing the Copyright Office no end. I noticed that least one person got published by going against the grain of the common wisdom. -- At least, that was the idea behind, "Be a Contrarian; Do It All Wrong," which now lists at #1,000,001 on Amazon.com. Be sure to buy the first edition hardcover soon, if only as a collectors item, since its dust jacket blurb says that it is going out of print immediately.

Thanks to a recommendation from the Robert Benchley Society web site, I sent away for the Oscar-winning self-help video, "How To Sleep." I figure, if it won an Oscar, then the film must have put a lot of people to sleep, right? It seems that in the 1930s, a sleepy columnist created a how-to film years before Dr. Phil and Tony Robbins thunk up their now-famous video series, "You Can Sleep -- Now! -- Ask Me How!"

What a godsend Mr. Benchley's film is! I've become quite an expert, thanks to that short black-and-white film. I had been doing it all wrong. I think the key was in my pajamas. Removing that key from my pajamas made all the difference. Thanks, Mr. Benchley!

I admit those self-help books and tapes are addictive. Once I conquered those two above items, I sent away for more, to get a new perspective (a new lie?) on the subject. Below are the books and tapes I have bought thanks to recommendations from the web site of Bed Wetters Weekly:

• Zig Ziglar's "Sleep With Enthusiasm" caused me to change my mattress -- twice!

• Stephen Covey's best-selling "The Seven Pillars of Rest" motivated me to install pillars in my bedroom. (It was only much, much later that I found the publisher's errata sheet, which said the word should have read, "pillows.")

• Dr. Wayne Dyer's now-classic video, "You Won't Sleep Until You Help Another Person Nod Off" was insightful, especially the part where the negotiations turn violent.

• Lou Holtz, former head coach of Notre Dame, put out "Nap to Win," describing how special teams rest their eyes during the national anthem.

• Mary Lou Retton's new DVD "Tippy-Toe Nappy-Bye Time" is oriented toward young girls who are too thin and too light to stay down on a bed.

Satisfaction at last! I can sleep with the best of them.

But I might have gone too far. I now have trouble waking up.

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