"Uncle Jerry's Christmas Tree Story"
"Tell us a Christmas story, Uncle Jerry!" the little children cried excitedly as they jumped up on Uncle Jerry's lap, cutting off the blood supply to his feet.
"All right, kiddies," said Uncle Jerry, who had already had a wee too much eggnog. "Now pay attention, for this is the timeless story of the Christmas Tree from Hell. Once upon a time, there was a handsome, kindhearted man who loved Christmas so much that he instructed his wife to go out and buy the most economical tree she could find."
"Is this story about you, Uncle Jerry?" one of the children asked. "Aunt Sue is always saying how cheap and lazy you are."
"None of your business!" Uncle Jerry answered patiently. "Anyway, the man's wife shelled out fifty bucks and came home with a tree that was so big that it broke the family's crummy little Christmas tree stand, which caused the man to curse very loudly."
"Are you sure this story isn't about you, Uncle Jerry?" a tiny tot inquired.
Uncle Jerry muttered something under his breath and continued: "To make matters worse, the bottom of the tree had dried out. This meant it couldn't take a drink."
"Did the tree need a drink?" a child wanted to know.
"Not as much as the man did," Uncle Jerry replied. "That's because he had to borrow a saw from his neighbor so he could cut an inch off the bottom of the tree. This caused him to curse some more."
"What did the man's wife say?" one of the kiddies asked.
"Nothing," Uncle Jerry said. "She went upstairs and locked the door. The next day, she went to the store and bought not one but two new stands, costing a total of $29.98."
"Did the tree fit in either of the two new stands?" another child inquired.
"Of course not," Uncle Jerry said. "So the wife suggested that her husband go out in the bitter cold and take the tree back and ask the salesman if he could cut more off the bottom."
"Did the tree fit this time?" a small boy piped up.
"Are you kidding?" Uncle Jerry answered. "It was like trying to put a basketball down the drain. So he had to bring the tree back yet again. 'I could make it fit,' the salesman told him, 'but I'd have to cut about two feet off the bottom. Or you could simply buy a bigger stand for twenty bucks.' So the handsome, kindhearted man said the hell with it and bought the stand, which brought the total outlay to a hundred dollars."
"Did the tree fit?" a tyke asked.
"Perfectly," Uncle Jerry reported.
"Did the man help decorate it?" a little girl inquired.
"No," Uncle Jerry said. "He watched his wife and kids do it while he sat in a chair with a bottle of brandy."
"That's the lousiest Christmas story we ever heard!" the children exclaimed.
Uncle Jerry had to agree.