The Next Robert Benchley
Per your search
for the next Robert Benchley, I would like to apply. I donít know what you did
with the first one, though assuming you followed all appropriate environmental
and regulatory standards, I donít care. As long as you arenít making the same
plans for his replacement.
Like RB ó a
distinguished gentleman needs a snappy moniker like ďRBĒ ó I am tall, lithe,
and ruggedly handsome, unless of course he was short, fat, and ruggedly
handsome, in which case I can slouch. Iíd be more precise about my striking
resemblance ó no doubt you want precision in your Rob (or in striking anyone) ó
but I canít find a photograph of him in his books. It shouldnít be hard to
throw one in. His mug shots must be lying around somewhere. I suppose I could
read Robbyís little ďhumorĒ pieces on the chance he described himself in one of
them, but there are so many. (Did Bobbo ever get help with that work-ethic
problem?) Anyway no one reads nowadays, and Iím sure youíre looking for a
modern R-Bench, which iz me, 4 real, yo. Unless youíd like a classic Robert. If
so, twenty-three skidoo, Iím your bees knees.
animals, Mr. B sounds like the type who would have a dog, and by coincidence,
so do I. Unfortunately he ó Olí Blue, not Olí Bench ó manifests a temporary
corporeal absence from the old manse, but not to worry. There are plenty of
mutts on leashes outside the local java den that could be him. Or her. Should
you feel the need to verify, my cherished pet will likely be back soon. He ó
dear Benchie, not dear doggie ó probably wore tweed too, smoked a pipe, and
gardened. Iím also tweedy, smoky, and seedy.
thereís a family: children, grandchildren, love children, etc. If necessary,
Iíll adopt them, along with any pawnable goods and erotic scrimshaw. Though
having a son older than me might be awkward, on the plus side, we can skip the
the cash prize in small, unmarked bills. (By the way, I donít mean to tell you
your business ó unless being pushy was another endearing Roberto trait ó but
you ought to make it clearer that you offer a cash prize. I couldnít find a
single word about it in your material. I wouldnít even be applying except,
oozing sophistication like Bobby-baby, I know that no one would be dim enough
to hold a contest without a cash prize.) You can leave the scratch in a plaid
valise by the curb. Iíll get it.
As a token of my
appreciation to the wise, gifted, and undoubtedly lovely contest judge, please
pass along the small envelope, attached with C-clamps. It merely contains an
Ďumble note of thanks. Nothing else. No need to look inside. Just send it on.
Terhune Benchley. (The middle nameís a nice touch, isnít it? Iím confident that
we, Terhune, would approve.)