07-036
Right on the Nose.
Of all the
body-parts and organs we schlepp around with us on a daily basis, the one I
have most of an issue with lately is the nose. Perhaps that's due to a cold
that has me sniffing and sneezing no end. Maybe it's a tickle inside my nose
that I frequently notice whenever I'm stuck in my car, parked in a downtown
traffic-jam; the tickle that makes the tip of my thumb crawl up into my nostril
to deal with the annoying itch, while watching like-minded fellow-motorists
doing the same.
To be blunt about
it: what bugs me is the ill-conceived design of the human nose, its messy
output and its inconvenient location plumb in the middle of the face. Hello!
Don't get me wrong.
The nose is certainly a must for anyone who breathes with it while busy with
the mouth which, after all, is a major orifice used for multi-tasking. The nose
also affords us a sense of smell that benchmarks anything from a seductive
scent to what is also known as "stinkapoo" in baby-circles.
However, its
vertical wedge-shape, with a somewhat tri-angular profile, starting right
between the eyes and gradually sloping down to the mouth, make it an awkward
facial object. The upper ridge of our nose may be ideal for eye-wear usage or a
fleeting scratch, but that's about all. What about the yucky discharge we are
often faced with? Surely there are better locations in or on our bodies that
could deal with this more effectively. And when it comes to one of my favorite
pastimes, kissing, the nose as we know it is simply in the way and nothing but
a nuisance.
So what could be the
solution? A creative tick in me decided that I should spend a day at the zoo to
take a good look around, and so I did. Hours later it became clear to me that
our heads could use more of a shoe-box shape. Something like the head of a
rhinoceros without the horn, perhaps, or better yet, the head of the
hippopotamus.
Say what you will,
but the hippo's head smacks of utility. It comes with a huge, wide mouth and a
set of large nostrils, both located at the front-end of the head, whereas the
eyes and ears are found on the upper end. Makes sense, doesn't it? The nostrils
breathe and sniff much better up front, they make for easy elimination of
whatever wants out there, and the mouth underneath them deals with the
groceries. At the upper end, the swivel-mount eyes and ears keep busy watching
and listening. Just like that.
However, as for
expressing facial affection such as a kiss or two, I didn't see any of the
hippos smooching, even though there's no reason or obstruction to prevent that.
My guess is that kissing in public during business-hours or while chewing on an
arm-full of well-seasoned hay is against zoo-regulations or just not hippo. Who
knows.