07-037

 

Parallel Universe Parking

I recently read on the Internet that scientists have proven there are parallel universes out there. (I also recently read on the Internet that Elvis and Marilyn Monroe are running a Motel Six in Wilkes-Barre Pennsylvania, but thatís another story.) What this means is that within these multiple universes there are multiple galaxies just like ours, multiple earths just like ours, and multiple meís just like, well -- me. So, in the spirit of intergalactic goodwill, and of giving my doppelgangerís a leg up, (weíre all on the same team after all) Iím offering a few pointers on how to live my life from one who has already lived it. Iím that kind of a guy.

* That time you borrowed your friend Scottís dadís Camaro and drove it back from the University of Wisconsin: Two things, A) slow down! There are speed traps hidden on those gently rolling hills of southeastern Wisconsin. B) If you are dumb enough to ignore A and still manage to get yourself a ticket for going 74 in a 40 zone, pretending youíre from Croatia will only further inflame the authorities.

 

* Despite what you might think, the statute of limitations on a backseat full of parking tickets from the Evanston Police Department is Ė never. If you have 321 unpaid tickets, you can be shot on sight in the State of Illinois. Consider yourself warned.

 

* Remember after homecoming when you got Sarah Vickers in the backseat of your dadís Buick Le Sabre and you thought you were so hidden, so discrete, and so out of the way? You werenít.

 

* On the SAT test Ė itís Goat is to Cucumber as Carburetor is to Short Wave Radio.

 

* When GM hits $65 dollars a share Ė sell and open a clam shack in Key West.

 

* There are only three truths in the universe:One Ė the farther you park from your destination, the closer the parking spot youíll find as youíre walking to it, two Ė the Cubs will never win the World Series, and I forget what the third one is.

 

* Your wallet fell behind the cushions on the green couch.

Thatís it. Please write me in return if you have any points I might have missed.