Posterior Scripts


Today’s news is rampant with the spread of the posterior. I am referring to the part of the anatomy on which one sits. It seems that we Americans are achieving new widths in this area. Being clever marketers, the clothing manufactures have capitalized on this trend.


Gone are the days when one purchased a pair of pants solely on waist size and length. The color and pattern, casual or dress styles where the only decisions required. In today’s market, the choices when purchasing a single pair of blue jeans now means that the consumer not only check the size of the belly, but also make a trip to the three way mirror to determine his precise body type. Allow me to elaborate.


On a recent trip to the Men’s Department at Saks Fifth Avenue (where such items would not have been offered not so long ago), in addition to selecting a few new ties for husband, I decided to peruse the casual clothing. A very eager and overly helpful young salesman approached me. “May I help you, Miss?


“I was just looking, really. But, I thought that I might just pick up a new pair of jeans for my husband while I was here. What do you recommend?”


“What size is he?”


“He’s a 32, 34.”


“Oh, I’m sorry, but the manufactures no longer make jeans in a specific inch length. Would he qualify as a short, average or long?”


“Well, I’m not really sure. Average I guess.”


“Would he prefer the flared or straight leg?”


To the best of my knowledge, bell bottoms had gone out of style shortly after I was born. “Straight, I think.”


“What color? We carry them in black, charcoal, gray, brown, tan, green, khaki, camouflage, stone washed, light, medium and dark blue, classic or the new worn look.”


Having seen young people crisscrossing the City in the worn look, I knew that style was not an option. The garments in this category are replete with bleached fronts, permanent wrinkles and holes. This was the very reason I was contemplating the purchase in the first place. In addition, I have always thought of blue jeans as being blue.


“Hum, the classic, I think”, attempting not to sound too old fashioned.


“Well, let’s see now. We carry those in regular fit, trim fit, relaxed fit, two way stretch, three way stretch, pleated, high rise, low rise, natural waist, and baggy.”


Now came the real decision. Did I want his arse to bulge slightly, protrude extensively, or be hidden completely from view? Should his rear be completely covered to somewhere near his top vertebrae, to his midriff, to just above his gluteus maximums, or should it completely hang out?


“Well, I’m not sure on that one. Maybe I better wait and just let him purchase his own.”


“Very well” was his snippy reply as he turned heals and headed toward a younger woman. Obviously, she was more adept at making butt decisions.