08-018

Driving Tips for Amateurs

It has come to my attention that the vast majority of today's drivers are amateurs. I use “amateur” not in the traditional sense of “one who has not achieved professional status" but in the far superior sense of "barbarians who do not drive like I drive."

Allow me, therefore, to present my excellent driving tips, which will provide hours of reading pleasure, if you read them over and over several hundred times.

The green light means "go."

But if you are hindered by a single car in front of you, try the tactic known as "bumper reminder," a technique long practiced on European roads. The driver behind gently moves forward until making contact with the offending vehicle's stationary bumper. The stopped car is thus inched along until that driver becomes aware or "reminded." Generally there follows a friendly exchange of jovial horns and off you go. I'm sure it will catch on here in the U.S. and eventually replace the use of firearms.

Drive according to weather conditions, you idiot.

I mean that in the nicest possible way. It's just that I have a teensy problem sliding off the road into the ditch in my failed efforts to avoid Mr. 4 x 4, who loves to fishtail on icy streets. My, yes, that looks like fun, but couldn't we try it in an empty parking lot? Normally I would just drive one of my six or seven other cars, but they all appear to be in the shop at the moment. Wait a minute—I'm getting something. Oh, that's right, I own only one car and it's in the shop because I drove it into the ditch because you're an idiot (nicest possible meaning).

Please don't make me honk at you.

Perhaps you've turned in front of me when I have the right of way. You know better than that. Or refused to let me in when you were my last hope of getting in until next week. Very bad.

Here is a little-known fact: all of this honk-provoking behavior is going into your permanent record. You may be denied credit, and either have your pets shaved by unskilled labor or all of your good works erased from the Book of Life. I always get those two mixed up.

Drive during the most efficient hours of the day: 12 a.m. - 6 a.m.

All of the previous tips can be tossed out the window like so many parking tickets if you diligently practice this last suggestion. You can tailgate, forget what the color green signifies, fishtail your booty off, and be an all-around honk magnet. You'll enjoy freedom from my exacting standards and thus enjoy a Hell-free afterlife. I'm trying to think of a more generous arrangement, but after knocking it around a few seconds, clearly there are no other options even remotely worth considering.

How gratifying that we were able to arrive at this mutually beneficial destination. Happy Motoring!

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