08-033
A
DOCTOR’S ADVICE TO NEW PARENTS
Congratulations
on the birth of your son. Before you leave the hospital, I need to address some
risks your child faces--nothing to worry about here, just a few things to keep
in mind.
First,
your son’s eyes are blue. Of course, there’s an element of attractiveness to
that. At the same time, you should know
that four out of every six boys with blue eyes will spend time in jail. Now, jail is different from prison; jail’s a
temporary holding site, prison is where you go when you actually get
convicted. So keep in mind that just
because he goes to jail does not tell us whether he’ll be a convicted
criminal. But also remember that 90% of
blue-eyed men who spend time in jail go on to prison to serve multiple life
terms for crimes they didn’t commit. OK?
Moving
on, based on the texture of your boy’s hair, I’d say there’s a slight
possibility, maybe 1 in 100, that he’s a werewolf. Please don’t cry--you’ll wake the human babies. Also, don’t ask
me if I see signs of this happening to him--frankly, I’m not even sure I really
know which one is yours and medical ethics prevent me from discussing this
further.
Next, I
can say with a fair degree of certitude that your son either will become a
policeman or will not become a policeman.
If he does become a policeman, he’ll operate in a maverick style, drink
plenty of Jameson’s and self-destruct in romantic relationships. He will also be unpopular with, though
quietly admired by, police brass.
There’s
something about his little fingernails, isn’t there? Makes me think—-and this
is just a hunch, mind you—-that he won’t even be able to distinguish
mathematical symbols from letters of the alphabet. [playfully tweaks baby’s nose]
Mind if
I smoke?
Your
son was born at 12:04 am. In a good
majority of just-post-midnight deliveries, the child becomes obsessed with
Civil War re-enactments. Now, that’s
fine, as far as it goes, but it also presages numerous two-week vacations to
rural Pennsylvania to root out bullet shells with a metal detector. You might
want that for your son, but I don’t. I don’t. Let’s keep in touch on this one.
Do you
hear that slight clicking when I bend his leg at the knee just so? [bends leg at the knee just so] That tells me there’s a 12% likelihood
he’ll get lost on a polar expedition. I
expect it’ll be on a graduation trip he’ll take, and for which you’ll pay,
after he receives an Associate’s degree in physical education from a sub-par
state university. The good news
here--there’s a 48% chance that he won’t actually be lost, but rather will be
“exploring” a young woman of a different race and socio-economic class in a
Kentucky motel.
Bottom
line: he may be ok, we’re not sure. I
do know one thing, 100%, based on long experience--you won’t be back to have me
deliver your second child.