08-033

 

A DOCTORíS ADVICE TO NEW PARENTS

Congratulations on the birth of your son. Before you leave the hospital, I need to address some risks your child faces--nothing to worry about here, just a few things to keep in mind.

 

First, your sonís eyes are blue. Of course, thereís an element of attractiveness to that.At the same time, you should know that four out of every six boys with blue eyes will spend time in jail.Now, jail is different from prison; jailís a temporary holding site, prison is where you go when you actually get convicted.So keep in mind that just because he goes to jail does not tell us whether heíll be a convicted criminal.But also remember that 90% of blue-eyed men who spend time in jail go on to prison to serve multiple life terms for crimes they didnít commit. OK?

 

Moving on, based on the texture of your boyís hair, Iíd say thereís a slight possibility, maybe 1 in 100, that heís a werewolf.Please donít cry--youíll wake the human babies. Also, donít ask me if I see signs of this happening to him--frankly, Iím not even sure I really know which one is yours and medical ethics prevent me from discussing this further.

 

Next, I can say with a fair degree of certitude that your son either will become a policeman or will not become a policeman.If he does become a policeman, heíll operate in a maverick style, drink plenty of Jamesonís and self-destruct in romantic relationships.He will also be unpopular with, though quietly admired by, police brass.

 

Thereís something about his little fingernails, isnít there? Makes me thinkó-and this is just a hunch, mind youó-that he wonít even be able to distinguish mathematical symbols from letters of the alphabet. [playfully tweaks babyís nose]

 

Mind if I smoke?

 

Your son was born at 12:04 am.In a good majority of just-post-midnight deliveries, the child becomes obsessed with Civil War re-enactments.Now, thatís fine, as far as it goes, but it also presages numerous two-week vacations to rural Pennsylvania to root out bullet shells with a metal detector. You might want that for your son, but I donít. I donít. Letís keep in touch on this one.

 

Do you hear that slight clicking when I bend his leg at the knee just so? [bends leg at the knee just so]That tells me thereís a 12% likelihood heíll get lost on a polar expedition.I expect itíll be on a graduation trip heíll take, and for which youíll pay, after he receives an Associateís degree in physical education from a sub-par state university.The good news here--thereís a 48% chance that he wonít actually be lost, but rather will be ďexploringĒ a young woman of a different race and socio-economic class in a Kentucky motel.

 

Bottom line: he may be ok, weíre not sure.I do know one thing, 100%, based on long experience--you wonít be back to have me deliver your second child.