08-033

 

A DOCTOR’S ADVICE TO NEW PARENTS

Congratulations on the birth of your son. Before you leave the hospital, I need to address some risks your child faces--nothing to worry about here, just a few things to keep in mind.

 

First, your son’s eyes are blue. Of course, there’s an element of attractiveness to that.  At the same time, you should know that four out of every six boys with blue eyes will spend time in jail.  Now, jail is different from prison; jail’s a temporary holding site, prison is where you go when you actually get convicted.  So keep in mind that just because he goes to jail does not tell us whether he’ll be a convicted criminal.  But also remember that 90% of blue-eyed men who spend time in jail go on to prison to serve multiple life terms for crimes they didn’t commit. OK?

 

Moving on, based on the texture of your boy’s hair, I’d say there’s a slight possibility, maybe 1 in 100, that he’s a werewolf.  Please don’t cry--you’ll wake the human babies. Also, don’t ask me if I see signs of this happening to him--frankly, I’m not even sure I really know which one is yours and medical ethics prevent me from discussing this further.

 

Next, I can say with a fair degree of certitude that your son either will become a policeman or will not become a policeman.  If he does become a policeman, he’ll operate in a maverick style, drink plenty of Jameson’s and self-destruct in romantic relationships.  He will also be unpopular with, though quietly admired by, police brass.

 

There’s something about his little fingernails, isn’t there? Makes me think—-and this is just a hunch, mind you—-that he won’t even be able to distinguish mathematical symbols from letters of the alphabet. [playfully tweaks baby’s nose]

 

Mind if I smoke?

 

Your son was born at 12:04 am.  In a good majority of just-post-midnight deliveries, the child becomes obsessed with Civil War re-enactments.  Now, that’s fine, as far as it goes, but it also presages numerous two-week vacations to rural Pennsylvania to root out bullet shells with a metal detector. You might want that for your son, but I don’t. I don’t. Let’s keep in touch on this one.

 

Do you hear that slight clicking when I bend his leg at the knee just so? [bends leg at the knee just so]  That tells me there’s a 12% likelihood he’ll get lost on a polar expedition.  I expect it’ll be on a graduation trip he’ll take, and for which you’ll pay, after he receives an Associate’s degree in physical education from a sub-par state university.  The good news here--there’s a 48% chance that he won’t actually be lost, but rather will be “exploring” a young woman of a different race and socio-economic class in a Kentucky motel.

 

Bottom line: he may be ok, we’re not sure.  I do know one thing, 100%, based on long experience--you won’t be back to have me deliver your second child.