Auld L’Anxiety


As we awake this January 1st morning, preparing for the opportunities that lie ahead, we pause to ask ourselves an important question: “Why am I on the front yard naked, laying next to a llama?”


The answer, of course, is that fifth glass of Cold Duck, which also helps explain the headache, the upset stomach and the pink cowboy boots on our feet.


Yet still we rise early this New Year’s morn. Why? Is it the promise of a fresh start? Is it the optimism inherently residing in the depths of the human soul? No, it’s because the wife has the Rose Bowl Parade cranked up really loud.


But that’s okay. We’ll crawl to the couch, swallow our aspirin and ask her to please turn down the volume, and she will whisper, “But it’s on mute,” and we will ask her not to yell. We will bravely lie there, throbbing head and all, and reflect upon the party last night at Frank’s house. Then we will panic and immediately call Frank to see if we did anything stupid, and he will tell us that we “have some nerve” calling him, considering how we gave his dog all that champagne, and how we used Cheese Whiz to write “2008!” on his front window.


This is followed a few minutes later, when we receive a call from our next door neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, who will inform us that the ladies from her morning bridge club did NOT appreciate seeing a naked man passed out on the front yard. And she will go on to angrily point out that the HOA bylaws specifically prohibit the boarding of llamas.


Yes, we may have some regrets from the past year, but we will put those behind us and boldly move forward. Not now though. We’re not moving anywhere. We may get sick. Instead, we will plant ourselves right here on the couch and occupy our minds with visions of a peaceful beach and bunnies and flowers. And then we will see a beer commercial on TV and we will sprint towards the bathroom.


We will recover though, and completely ignore the wife’s taunting. Soon however, we will tire of the Rose Parade. We will realize that there’s only so many times you can hear Al Roker talk about the Jolly Green Giant float, and how 50,000 roses were required just to make him anatomically correct.


So we will ask the wife if we could please maybe change the channel to the 78th Annual Preparation H Tangelope Bowl instead. And she’ll smile and say: “Can I get you some champagne?” And we will shut up because we’re getting nauseous again.


But that’s OK. We will eventually shade that green facial color and begin to re-evaluate our priorities. Yes, we will focus on the positive in 2008. Our thoughts will be on prosperity, on peace. We will focus on love.


Which reminds us, we really need to get rid of that llama.