08-042

Global Warming

There’s no doubt that one of the hottest topics of interest today is global warming. I’ve studied this in great detail (OK, I actually just typed “global warming” in Google) and it turns out the average air temperature near the earth’s surface has risen 0.74º over the past one hundred years. This simply isn’t acceptable, so I’ve decided to start my own one-man effort to promote global warming. You see, I live in the North-East and would prefer not to wear mittens, scarves, and sweaters for six months of the year. Let’s face it, when was the last time you heard someone say, “Boy, I can’t wait to break-out my parka?” If we’ve only managed an increase of 0.74º over the last one hundred years, then surely it’s going to take a thousand years before we are “parka free”. I’m sure you’re reading this and saying to yourself “Dave, this makes good sense, but what can I do to promote global warming?” In fact, there’s a lot you can do. For starters, buy a bigger car. Bigger cars will emit more CO2 into the atmosphere and help our fledgling auto industry. Just think “Hummer” instead of “Hybrid”. Second, turn-up your air-conditioning and leave it running all the time. If you get too cold you can always wear a sweater. (Remember, you won’t need them for winter soon!). Third, look for trees you can cut down. Trees convert CO2 to oxygen, and we don’t want that happening. I’ve invented a new product called “Green-House-Gas-in-a-Can”- simple pop cans (new ones, not recycled ones, dammit) filled with CO2. For $1 you’ll be able to pop open a can, hear that hissing sound, and know you’re doing your part. Profits will go to companies like Exxon helping with their battle against people like Al Gore. I think Al is miffed because he lives in Virginia and it’s already hot there, so who wants global warming in Virginia? I must admit, I haven’t quite figured out how this whole Global Warming thing is going to benefit people in the South where it’s already hot. I’m guessing air conditioning is the solution. If someone could invent an air conditioned suit, then we’d have it made. Except for the animals, with that fur and all, they’d find it pretty hot. I guess we’d just have to ban people from owning dogs like Labrador retrievers in the South. After all, don’t they really belong in Labrador? Oh well, seems like there are a few things to work out, but I think I’m still going ahead with my bumper stickers “Warm up to Global Warming”. I should be able to fit two on my Hummer!

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