08-044
HOW
TO START YOUR OWN BAND
A goodly number of
people (most of whom have no idea what "goodly" means) are thinking
of starting garage bands, although they've never had a garage or even a garage
sale. Studies show that independent
thinking can be hazardous to your mental health, so I'd like to offer some free
advice that's worth about what you're paying.
If you're forming a
band to express your inner self, purge childhood angst, and experience free
booze and wild groupies as you hit the major arenas, you're probably out of
luck. First off, select your genre
wisely. Starting a polka band limits
your tour dates. And about
instruments--yes, Tchaikovsky wrote a note for a cannon in his "1812
Overture," but he was Russian and they were too poor to afford
violins. Stick to popular instruments
such as bongos, kazoos, and ten-dollar electronic keyboards.
Your band's name is
the first concern to address (be sure to affix proper postage.) "Numinous Armageddon" and "Mandible
Temperament" are great, but they're taken. Try fancy scientific terms such as "Planck's Constant,"
"The Fibonacci Sequence," or "Occam's Razor." If you're stuck, pick up the nearest book,
turn to page 27, and out of the third paragraph copy words 2, 5, and 7. That's how "Bowling for Soup" was
named.
Make sure at least one
of your bandmates can actually play. If the drummer isn't tight (or at least
slightly fried), the heartbeat of the band will have arrhythmia. He and the bass player should work together,
as they are your rhythm section. This
has nothing to do with the old Rhythm Method that good Catholic women used to
use to get pregnant.
Have at least twelve
songs, only one of which should be your old high school fight song. Base your big hit, "Most Annoying Song
Ever," on an old Welsh funeral hymn.
Most bands break up over really important artistic issues such as
disputes over which Queen album is coolest, so minimize such friction by spraying
bandmates with nonstick cooking spray.
Time for your first
gig! Show the club how you can rake in
those cover charges: recruit your
sister's sorority, your parents' AARP chapter, or a local homeschool group that
needs a field trip. Your first question
should be where the bathrooms are--and may I state the doors at the DewDropInn
aren't well-labeled; their "pointer" and "setter" looked
like a Golden retriever and a Pomeranian.
I ended up surprising a little gray-headed man rather badly, I'm afraid
. . . but his shoes didn't look that expensive, so whatever.
The most important
aspect of this is whether you believe stardom is your destiny. The first thing I do whenever I'm thinking
of trying something new is ask myself, "What would Bob Newhart do?" Then I do exactly the opposite. (Heh-heh.
Little joke there.) Since most
famous comedians have already abandoned their failed polka bands, I recommend
you forget the whole thing and stick to watching MTV.