Welcome to America


I was recently asked to answer some sample questions that the US Citizenship and Immigration Service administers to all immigrants applying for citizenship and, I must say, the results have me grinning from incisor to incisor.  My deportation papers should be arriving any day now.


I was born and raised in America but after seeing my score you would think that not only had I never been to the United States, perhaps I came from a different planet.  I’m having my own doubts.


Here are a few of the questions and my answers that were marked as incorrect.


17.  When do we celebrate Independence Day?

Answer:  We usually tap the keg around Noon.

I have no idea why this is wrong.


35.  What does the President’s Cabinet do?

            Answer:  Holds paperwork and pens and odds and ends.......

When I was sure I didn’t know the answer I let things trail off and then move on. 


Question number 47 wasn’t very clear.

47:  What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union?

            Answer:  Wisconsin and Wyoming.   

Apparently alphabetically wasn’t what they were looking for.


On question 55 I tried a different tactic.  

55:  Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

Answer:  This is an excellent question and one that I have known the answer my entire life.  Perhaps longer.  There was this fellow named Miles who was fed up with England and was heard to say more than once, “England!  You and I are through!”  England for the most part ignored him except doubling his taxes and burning down his house.  One day while down at the docks cursing the shoreline Miles was approached by a man who asked if would like to ride on a boat.  Miles replied that of course he would as he was really a boy at heart (an older, lumpy and hard of hearing boy) and what boy didn’t love parades and floats.  Especially root beer floats.  So Miles, soon aboard the HMS Sinkable, found a nice window seat in steerage. It wasn’t till he was hours out to sea that he realized he was not on a float but on a ship sailing westward.  After arriving in America (though it wasn’t ‘America’ at that time, it was called ‘Over There’) Miles settled down and became the world’s wealthiest and most famous puppeteer.  Unfortunately he died in obscure poverty soon after.  (This should tell you a little something about the puppet game in those days.)  And that, dear children, solves the riddle to that mystery.

Quantity over accuracy was frowned upon.


At the moment I am making a concerted effort to rectify this issue before I’m dropped at the border with a suitcase and a note pinned to my shirt that reads “No retornable por favor.”