08-065
In
today’s fast-paced world, a modern man must be able to use the personal
computer (or, if not use, be able to look and talk as if you do). For those not
reared in the Computer Age, the biggest problem (now would be a good time for
your first martini) is that the personal computer has no knobs. It also has no
knees, which, as with many facets of the computer, is irrelevant and also means
nothing.
Don’t
worry; this is something any ten-year old can do. If you check your records,
you will find that you, too, were ten once.
The
first step in taming a computer is to let it out of its box. This should be
done standing on a rubber mat should the wily devil decides to electronically
probe its new environs, or you.
As electricity
is the sum and substance of the computer, the second step is to let the
computer know that you are in charge of the charge. This means you are in
control of its food supply. You can demonstrate your mastery in this regard by
plugging the computer cord into an electrical outlet — then quickly unplugging
it. Pause while you have another martini. Repeat this step six times,
particularly the martini part, and the computer will accept that you are The
Connector and your brain will be sufficiently lubricated for the next step.
Step
three is to activate the computer. I have no idea how to do this. However,
after extensive research (never mind where), I can assure you there is no knob
for this task. Fortunately, your computer can instruct you in this operation as
soon as you turn it on.
You
have mastered step three if the computer starts whining and pictures, which
appear to have been drawn by third-graders, magically appear on the computer
screen. The screen keeps flies and crawling insects from eating its insides or
depositing unmentionable organic matter that could short-circuit your electric
bill.
That’s
all there is to it. You have now successfully subdued the wild computer. You
can’t use it until you buy lots of expensive software, but it is tame and won’t
electrocute you or anyone who can sue you.
You
will need to learn some computer lingo. “Ram,” “Bluetooth” and “megabyte”
comprise a good starting vocabulary (understanding the meaning of these terms
is time consuming and, therefore, not required). Speaking these words will
demonstrate you are computer literate, which means you know how to turn the
pages. These words can also be dropped casually into any major metropolitan
area cocktail gathering.
An
optional step for the overly ambitious is to use the computer to do actual
work. For this you will need another pitcher of martinis and a ten-year old. If
you don’t have one, rent one. They work for jellybeans.