Taming a Wild Computer


In today’s fast-paced world, a modern man must be able to use the personal computer (or, if not use, be able to look and talk as if you do). For those not reared in the Computer Age, the biggest problem (now would be a good time for your first martini) is that the personal computer has no knobs. It also has no knees, which, as with many facets of the computer, is irrelevant and also means nothing.


Don’t worry; this is something any ten-year old can do. If you check your records, you will find that you, too, were ten once.


The first step in taming a computer is to let it out of its box. This should be done standing on a rubber mat should the wily devil decides to electronically probe its new environs, or you.


As electricity is the sum and substance of the computer, the second step is to let the computer know that you are in charge of the charge. This means you are in control of its food supply. You can demonstrate your mastery in this regard by plugging the computer cord into an electrical outlet — then quickly unplugging it. Pause while you have another martini. Repeat this step six times, particularly the martini part, and the computer will accept that you are The Connector and your brain will be sufficiently lubricated for the next step.


Step three is to activate the computer. I have no idea how to do this. However, after extensive research (never mind where), I can assure you there is no knob for this task. Fortunately, your computer can instruct you in this operation as soon as you turn it on.


You have mastered step three if the computer starts whining and pictures, which appear to have been drawn by third-graders, magically appear on the computer screen. The screen keeps flies and crawling insects from eating its insides or depositing unmentionable organic matter that could short-circuit your electric bill.


That’s all there is to it. You have now successfully subdued the wild computer. You can’t use it until you buy lots of expensive software, but it is tame and won’t electrocute you or anyone who can sue you.


You will need to learn some computer lingo. “Ram,” “Bluetooth” and “megabyte” comprise a good starting vocabulary (understanding the meaning of these terms is time consuming and, therefore, not required). Speaking these words will demonstrate you are computer literate, which means you know how to turn the pages. These words can also be dropped casually into any major metropolitan area cocktail gathering.


An optional step for the overly ambitious is to use the computer to do actual work. For this you will need another pitcher of martinis and a ten-year old. If you don’t have one, rent one. They work for jellybeans.