08-067
Shopping
“Good
morning, darling“; my wife greeted me as she handed me a cup of coffee. Today
is Tuesday, double coupon day. Be ready in five minutes”.
“Hey
babe, this coffee is too hot to drink in five minutes‘, I complained.
“Drop a
couple of ice cubes in it or set it on the counter until we get back.”
“How
thoughtful,” I thought. Since my retirement in 2004, it’s been a ritual to
chauffer my wife to yard and garage sales or other trash or treasure places.
Upon
arriving at the local supermarket, she pulled out a shopping basket from the
tightly jammed rows of carts.
“Here“,
she said.” Wait here until I get back from the bathroom. My morning water pill
is starting to kick in.”
As soon
as she left, my eyes caught sight of a lady walking by with Dolly Parton tatas
and a J Lo type touche but she looked like Nick Nolte’s infamous mug shot. I
meandered over to the deli section where free samples of summer sausage and
jalapeño cheese impaled on toothpicks were lined up for the taking. I partook. I
remembered some the items on the shopping list, so being a good chubby hubby, I
took it upon myself to commence with the shopping. Plain yogurt was first on
the list.
“Yuck”,
I blurted out. Panty liners with wings followed.” Wings?” What the dickens is
that, I thought. Are the wings feathers or gossamer? “I ignored that.
For the
next ten minutes or less I strolled up and down several aisles when I heard my
name called on the loud speaker to “please come to the service counter. Your mother
is waiting for you”
“
Mother”? I thought, “Oh God, she must really be teed off about something”.
I
quickly turned around and zigged-zagged down the main aisle to the customer service
counter.
There
was my lovely and dear wife in all her menopausal splendor. Her cheeks were
puffy and red and I could swear there was smoke bellowing out of her ears and snorting
like a she bull.
“ Hi
honey. What’s up” I asked non-chalantly.”
“Where
in the hell have you been? “I have been standing here for an hour waiting for
you.”
Women
in the state of menopause often lose track of time along with their temper.
Believe me. I’m the poster child for husbands of wives going through menopause.
“You
are worse than a five year old,” she scolded me. I told you to wait right here,
didn’t I?”
Those
at the counter and passer-bys gawked and giggled as she shot the knock-out
barb. “If it wasn’t for your big butt, I would put you in the basket so you
wouldn’t
wander
off like a little boy.”
Feeling
a bit embarrassed, I retorted ,”Honey you didn’t take your morning meds did
you?”
She
snatched the grocery basket and walked away. I followed her like a puppy.
I
caught up with her at the meat department where a yellow sign with black letters
advertising sirloin steaks. Buy one get one free. We did. Across the aisle was
another sign reading “Southern tissue” buy five get five free. We loaded up. Next
to the toilet paper were the shelves of bathroom deodorant spray cans. Country
fresh it stated. I picked up a can, popped the plastic lid off, and pressed the
nozzle sending a puff of mist towards my wife’s head accidentally.
Honest
.I ain’t suicidal.
“Whew!
Ugh ,“I exclaimed. Must be horse country fresh. “I quickly placed it back as my
wife got more agitated.
The
next stop was the bakery section. The sweet aroma of goodies over-powered the
country pasture scent. My eyes zoomed in on the plexiglass doors of a cabinet
full of doughnuts being held prisoners by some mad baker.
While
my wife looked for a birthday cake, I put two powder sugar doughnuts in a paper
bag and moved over to the bread shelves. There with shameless bravado I bit
into the white savory topping over a lemon flavored pudding. As I was wiping my
Zapata type mustache, I turned around just in time to take the birthcake from
my wife and placed in the basket.
“ Okay
that’s it,” my honey commanded. “Let’s check out.”
At the
check-out counter the chubby cashier began to slide the items across the
scanner on the conveyer belt. As she picked up the crumpled bag she asked what
was in the bag to which I answered without thinking “ Two half eaten doughnuts
miss. “They were giving me so much trouble I had to bite them.”
The
cashier looked at me with a stern glare and says” I know what you mean sir, it
happens to me all the time. “She smiled almost flirting.” You still have a
little powder on your mustache.”
My wife
rolled her eyes back and broke up the somewhat flirtatious moment and said,
“Dan, this is the last time I’m going to bring you shopping. You’re worse than a
little kid.”
I
placed the bags in the basket and merrily rolled out the door with sly smirk on
my cute face. After loading most of the groceries in the car, I reached for the
last remaining item- the goodies. I put my fat hand in the bag, pulled out the
powdered sugar doughnut, took a big bite, smiled and thought, “Damn, I love
shopping.”