“Good morning, darling“; my wife greeted me as she handed me a cup of coffee. Today is Tuesday, double coupon day. Be ready in five minutes”.
“Hey babe, this coffee is too hot to drink in five minutes‘, I complained.
“Drop a couple of ice cubes in it or set it on the counter until we get back.”
“How thoughtful,” I thought. Since my retirement in 2004, it’s been a ritual to chauffer my wife to yard and garage sales or other trash or treasure places.
Upon arriving at the local supermarket, she pulled out a shopping basket from the tightly jammed rows of carts.
“Here“, she said.” Wait here until I get back from the bathroom. My morning water pill is starting to kick in.”
As soon as she left, my eyes caught sight of a lady walking by with Dolly Parton tatas and a J Lo type touche but she looked like Nick Nolte’s infamous mug shot. I meandered over to the deli section where free samples of summer sausage and jalapeño cheese impaled on toothpicks were lined up for the taking. I partook. I remembered some the items on the shopping list, so being a good chubby hubby, I took it upon myself to commence with the shopping. Plain yogurt was first on the list.
“Yuck”, I blurted out. Panty liners with wings followed.” Wings?” What the dickens is that, I thought. Are the wings feathers or gossamer? “I ignored that.
For the next ten minutes or less I strolled up and down several aisles when I heard my name called on the loud speaker to “please come to the service counter. Your mother is waiting for you”
“ Mother”? I thought, “Oh God, she must really be teed off about something”.
I quickly turned around and zigged-zagged down the main aisle to the customer service counter.
There was my lovely and dear wife in all her menopausal splendor. Her cheeks were puffy and red and I could swear there was smoke bellowing out of her ears and snorting like a she bull.
“ Hi honey. What’s up” I asked non-chalantly.”
“Where in the hell have you been? “I have been standing here for an hour waiting for you.”
Women in the state of menopause often lose track of time along with their temper. Believe me. I’m the poster child for husbands of wives going through menopause.
“You are worse than a five year old,” she scolded me. I told you to wait right here, didn’t I?”
Those at the counter and passer-bys gawked and giggled as she shot the knock-out barb. “If it wasn’t for your big butt, I would put you in the basket so you wouldn’t
wander off like a little boy.”
Feeling a bit embarrassed, I retorted ,”Honey you didn’t take your morning meds did you?”
She snatched the grocery basket and walked away. I followed her like a puppy.
I caught up with her at the meat department where a yellow sign with black letters advertising sirloin steaks. Buy one get one free. We did. Across the aisle was another sign reading “Southern tissue” buy five get five free. We loaded up. Next to the toilet paper were the shelves of bathroom deodorant spray cans. Country fresh it stated. I picked up a can, popped the plastic lid off, and pressed the nozzle sending a puff of mist towards my wife’s head accidentally.
Honest .I ain’t suicidal.
“Whew! Ugh ,“I exclaimed. Must be horse country fresh. “I quickly placed it back as my wife got more agitated.
The next stop was the bakery section. The sweet aroma of goodies over-powered the country pasture scent. My eyes zoomed in on the plexiglass doors of a cabinet full of doughnuts being held prisoners by some mad baker.
While my wife looked for a birthday cake, I put two powder sugar doughnuts in a paper bag and moved over to the bread shelves. There with shameless bravado I bit into the white savory topping over a lemon flavored pudding. As I was wiping my Zapata type mustache, I turned around just in time to take the birthcake from my wife and placed in the basket.
“ Okay that’s it,” my honey commanded. “Let’s check out.”
At the check-out counter the chubby cashier began to slide the items across the scanner on the conveyer belt. As she picked up the crumpled bag she asked what was in the bag to which I answered without thinking “ Two half eaten doughnuts miss. “They were giving me so much trouble I had to bite them.”
The cashier looked at me with a stern glare and says” I know what you mean sir, it happens to me all the time. “She smiled almost flirting.” You still have a little powder on your mustache.”
My wife rolled her eyes back and broke up the somewhat flirtatious moment and said, “Dan, this is the last time I’m going to bring you shopping. You’re worse than a little kid.”
I placed the bags in the basket and merrily rolled out the door with sly smirk on my cute face. After loading most of the groceries in the car, I reached for the last remaining item- the goodies. I put my fat hand in the bag, pulled out the powdered sugar doughnut, took a big bite, smiled and thought, “Damn, I love shopping.”