09-001
CHEERIOS
AHOY! HAPPY THE HOME WHERE BEDS AND MARTINIS ARE DRY
The year 1941, produced one
of the greatest time savers and inventions of all time, Cheerios, which were
manufactured and sold by General Mills of Golden Valley, MN. The original
product was tasty and popular and General Mills has recently made improvements.
The cereal has become so
popular that physicists have coined the phrase “cheerio effect” when discussing
fluid mechanics, meaning the tendency for small obliging floating objects to
attract one another like opposite poles on magnets. This has also been called “cheerio
magnetization.” An example of the phenomenon is the way the breakfast cereal
tends to form clumps as it clings to the sides of a bowl when immersed in liquid.
PROPER PERSPECTIVE
While the marketing
department at General Mills touts the cereal’s nutritional value and wide
selection, I have come up with an
ingenious idea for an adjunct – Cheerios Ahoy!, whereby you remove some Cheerios from the box and use them as
target practice for potty training. They will clump around the bowl quite
nicely.
Now, one could argue that
other cereals can work just as well; as does the entertaining sound effect of
yellow water hitting the bottom of an empty coffee can, but that only solves
half the problem. To obtain optimum results for both
ways, Cheerios are the best targets.
PROCEDURE
In order to succeed without
the use of kinematic equations and projectile motion principles, you offer the
little whippersnapper rewards based on accuracy and the total number of sunken
Cheerios:
1.
Zero sunken Cheerios – rip
out the last page of Baby Einstein “Peek-a-Boo Bard”
2.
One or two sunken Cheerios
– read “Peek-a-Boo Bard” in its entirety
3.
Three to five sunken Cheerios
– read Baby Einstein “Things That Go!”
4.
More than five sunken Cheerios
– report the pipe buster
Rewards are limited only by
the sheer genius and ingenuity of the Captain.
This potty training expert
and analyst, yours truly, estimates that it will take less than one week for
Cheerios Ahoy! to serve its useful purpose. Then, you can finally visit your offspring
and do what you do best – read a bedtime story and fall asleep in a bed that is
warm and like a good martini – dry.
HOW TO PROPERLY DRY A MARTINI
As a martini aficionado, perhaps I can shed some light on the dilemma
of gin vs. vodka and shaken vs. stirred. Rather than take a poll, I have
conducted my own research into the matter and have been satisfactorily
inebriated for quite some time.
Shaken vs. stirred is rather moot after you have had five, so we shall focus,
if that is possible, on the ingredients:
Only two ingredients are required: three ounces of gin and a dash of fortified,
white, dry vermouth. Notice that I have ruled out vodka, as it doesn’t modify well
with gin; and ice and garnish, as they add nothing useful to the drying process.
There you have it – dry bed and breakfast!