09-003

Recently, President Obama started the selection process for his cabinet. Turns out there is a questionnaire for potential employees to fill out. So I’m answering it. Hey, I’m as qualified as anyone else. Okay, maybe not. But I’m applying anyway. After all, what do I have to lose? Other than my dignity and self-respect, of course. On the other hand I’m a mom. Let’s be real. Once a parent changes that first diaper on a table at a fast-food restaurant, self-respect and dignity are long gone.

1. Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved in during the course of your career.
   
   Starting when the Boy was 18 months old, I was part of a controversial movement called “Getting that Dang Kid Toilet-Trained.” The subject of the toilet training met this with tremendous resistance and I subsequently abandoned the effort. I hasten to add, however, that the project was taken over by another employee of the parental group and was successful. Personally, I think I failed because of the whole “standing up” thing. Total gender bias, if you ask me.
   
   
2. Please identify all speeches you have given.
   
   Really? All of them? According to the Boy and the Husband there are like 982 of them. I can give you a rundown of the recurrent themes: I’m Right, You’re Wrong; It’s the Bank’s Fault, They Gave Me More Checks Than Money; If Your Friends Jumped Off a Bridge, Would You Need to Follow; and Quiet! Mommy Needs to Focus So She Can Win This Flamingo Cookie Jar on EBay.
   
   
3. If you have ever sent an electronic communication…that could be an embarrassment to you…
   
   Hey, I never, ever forward those stupid angel emails. Oh, fine. Once I forwarded a funny parenting one. It involved discipline, long car rides and a kid strapped to the hood of the vehicle. I can forward it if you want to see it. It was actually very funny. But other than that, no.
   
   
4. If you ever kept a diary…that could be a source of embarrassment…
   
   Seriously? I’m a female. It’s a law that we all have diaries before the age of ten. And all of it is embarrassing.

5. Do you presently have…domestic help?
   
   I wish. Have you ever tried to get a 12 year old to make his bed or put his clothes away? And let’s not even talk about the other employee who lives here. He makes the bed, all right. But please. Is it too much to ask that he put the throw pillows in the correct arrangement? And tell me, why can’t either of them figure out the correct position of the toilet seat? It’s like living with wild animals. So, to answer your question, no I don’t have any domestic help. Only domestic hindrances.

Okay, I think my work is done here. And from the look of it, I believe Hillary might have some competition for that Secretary of State position. Just not from me, of course.