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How to Get Out of Bed

Sleep alone separates men from apes, though there’s also miniature golf. That one would ever willingly emerge from the womb-like comfort of a properly poofed ultra-plush pillow-top is a mystery to challenge the preternatural insights of even the most precocious of modern Sherlocks. But there you are. Or rather there they are, those latter-day Visigoths, shoving you out of their way as they scurry hither and thither in the earliest of a.m.’s, determined not to be late to the local sweatshop lest one more caisson of feminine hygiene products fail to ship to Afghanistan.

The cause of this hugger-mugger? These addlepated beasts simply have never learned how to get out of bed. And so, internalizing the trauma of attaining an upright position without taking all necessary precautions, they rationalize sideswiping you with a briefcase made of lead shot and patent leather.

I wish better for you. Consider: Would Alexander have become Great by flying out of bed like some jackanapes with a case of the heebie-jeebies? Would Julius have become Caesar, or Elvis Costello?

1. Wake up. This is crucial. Sleepwalking may be acceptable in certain Mediterranean cultures, but here we do our ambulating in a fully conscious state, lest chaos reign and madness rule.

2. Look to see if anyone is lying beside you. Many a great man has been tossed on the ash heap of history owing to a reckless disregard for the precarious REM cycles of an intemperate inamorata.

3. Elbows tucked to the sides, raise your torso 45 degrees or until you feel a slight strain in the larynx and a tightening of skin around the ears.

4. Note the hour. As Quoheleth declareth, there is a time to live and a time to die … and a time to recognize one has made a terrible mistake and should still be dreaming about Morgana the libidinous librarian.

5. Exercising an heroic thrust, sit up. Stop. Allow your blood pressure to normalize. Precipitate movement at this climacteric stage could trigger long-term catastrophic consequences, affecting adversely even your FICO score.

6. With one hand steadying your weight, employ the other to toss aside the covers, liberating your nether regions from their nocturnal confines.

7. Both hands now strategically positioned, pivot, swinging your legs around and down in one vast, majestic, sweeping motion that should make Lawrence of Arabia’s raid on Aqaba look like a skiing accident.

8. Feet planted firmly and stress on the quadriceps, stand, chin raised, knees locking as tightly as a spinster aunt’s at a frat-house meet-and-greet.

8A. Finally, breathe deeply and with deliberation, considering that you have just accomplished the most demanding task of the day. Many a physician-scholar has noted that, even when done according to form, achieving verticality can so deplete the body’s vital resources that the only hope of enjoying thenceforth even a median life span lies solely in frequent, rejuvenating naps.