One morning while eating a bowl of my favorite cereal, I read that soy milk has properties in it that can actually mimic estrogen in the body. This is disturbing for two reasons: one, I always have my cereal with soy milk, and two, under no circumstances do I want anything mimicking estrogen in my body.† Oh, estrogen is all right in the female body, donít get me wrong. But I am a rugged male (please stop that tittering back there) and have no desire to be what they call nowadays ďfeminizedĒ by anything I happen to like to eat!
After reading this news and cleaning up the few circular toasted ďOĒs I spit across the table, I resolved to figure out if there was some measure I could take to counteract this nefarious trend. I began that night to eat things that were shaped likeÖwell, Dr. Freud made his name talking about such things. But it was to no avail. Carrots, celery, bananas and the odd hot dog did little to help me toughen up, although they did help with my regularity. But I wasnít having a problem in that area!
What would be the manliest of foods, I wondered? Of course, meat. I imagined cavemen gnawing away at the flanks of the animals they caught (how much more they must have enjoyed it after discovering fire and A1 Sauce. Mmm, yummy!).† I pictured Vikings chomping on enormous joints of beef (were the oxen that much larger back then?) So, I went on an all meat diet. After feasting for weeks on nothing but that stuff it was back to the bananas and celery and no laughing matter.
Maybe food items werenít the solution. After all soy milk is a liquid (except maybe that container in the back of the fridge. Itís been there for two months and we really should get rid of it). Perhaps the answer I was looking for was in the realm of libation. I started with bourbon. After a few stiff belts I certainly didnít feel feminized but did feel like a little feminine company. My wife, being the only female around, quickly nixed that idea. After a few more drinks I came to the upsetting conclusion that my stomach preferred the cooling comfort of the soy milk to the burning turmoil of the alcohol. Retching is neither masculine nor feminine itís just plain foolish and should be avoided if you can help it.
Finally I just gave up. I enjoy my cereal in the morning too much. Why donít I switch to regular milk? Thatís for babies. 2% milk or maybe rice milk, almond milk, hemp milk or the like? If I wanted cloudy water I never would have left New York City. No, I guess Iím doomed to continue using soy milk and suffer the consequences. I must close now. My wife is making a simply scrumptious tofu salad with edamame. Coming honey! And to you dear reader Iíll just say, Toodles!