How to Kill a Scorpion


My husband tells our friends that the reason we didn’t move back to New Jersey after I saw my first Arizona scorpion is because I was afraid to open the suitcases. I had convinced myself that several generations of scorpions had checked in but had not checked out of the Samsonite. The truth is, I was afraid to get down from the couch. When my husband followed the sound of my screams, he threw a book on top of the scorpion and smashed it back to wherever scorpions go when they die. Then he made fun of me as he compared my size to the flattened arachnid.


The day after my first encounter of the scorpion kind, my husband came home with a book about scorpions and other poisonous insects of the Southwest. He believed if I was armed with knowledge, I wouldn't be as afraid.


Thus, I became an expert and now know more about scorpions than the average entomologist knows.


Despite all the good advice in the book about deterring scorpions, actually killing them is another issue entirely. Scorpions have been around for over 450 million years and have survival techniques that require special combat techniques.


1.     Prepare yourself by collecting all you will need for scorpion extermination.

a.      industrial-strength rubber gloves

b.     heavy duty workman’s boots

c.     facemask

d.     large cinderblock

e.      hairspray

f.       semi-sweet chocolate bars

g.     shovel and broom

h.     300 walnuts in their shells


2.     Upon sighting the scorpion, immediately put on the gloves, facemask, and boots.


3.     Lift the cinderblock, and drop it directly on the scorpion.


4.     Stand on the cinderblock and yell, “Take that you ugly arachnid.”


5.     Wait approximately 30 minutes. This will give you time to melt the chocolate in a pot or in the microwave.


6.     With the pointer finger of your dominant hand on the hairspray trigger, push the cinderblock over with your booted foot and start spraying. Though the scorpion may be dead, many have been known to survive the crushing weight of cinder blocks by feigning death. Spray the scorpion with hairspray until the can is empty. If the scorpion is still alive, it will at least stop the scorpion from moving.


7.     When the scorpion is dry, pour the hot melted chocolate over the scorpion. Wait for the chocolate scorpion to dry.


8.     Sweep the chocolate covered stiffened scorpion onto your shovel.


9.     Deposit the scorpion in your clothes dryer. Add 300 walnuts, close the door, and turn the dryer on high for the longest cycle. Repeat two or three times. Remember: scorpions can feign death for as long as a month.


If this does not kill the scorpion, it will give you time to call your exterminator. If your exterminator does not return your call, there is only one thing left to do:


Get up on the couch, jump up and down, and scream, "SCORPION!"