PRESIDENT’S WEEKLY EXPLANATIONS
Sponsored by the ‘Michelle For Queen in Two O Sixteen’ Committee’
“Hi there, American public. First, thanks for the praise of my cameo appearance as ‘Skinny’ in ‘Frat House 7’, now available on DVD. My next gig on Saturday Night Live will be announced in the Congressional Record. A request: Let’s reduce the volume of text messages to my Blackberry. They do interfere a little with official business. Shucks, the Secret Service had trouble informing me of the latest man-made disaster, that anthrax attack in, uh, Bakersfield. It’s what you might call a, ha, ha, Blackberry jam. Now the issues.
“Taxation: A number of reactionary Republicans have charged me with going back on my campaign promise that taxes would not be raised on ninety-five percent of the public. Nothing could be further from the truth. Taxes have NOT been increased. We’ve reduced deductions. Elimination of burdensome deductions, charity, interest on home loans, dependent children, unnecessary medical fripperies such as wheelchairs, so-called hearing aids, limb prostheses, have vastly simplified the tax code.
“The payments levied for your carbon foot print are not taxes. They are money collected to finance subsidies for wind farms, solar power, horse-drawn vehicles, sail boats, electricity generated by stationary bicycles, programs which will achieve energy independence in the near future, geologically speaking. Remember, for every documented kilowatt you pedal, your carbon foot print is reduced by a half size that month.
“Defense: The outsourcing of the armed services is going well. Mexico, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Kenya, Uganda, Russia have agreed to furnish personnel to man our few remaining bases. Oman will aid in the scuttling of the Pacific Fleet, as will our Cuban friends for Navy ships cluttering the Atlantic. Iran has generously agreed to take our surplus nuclear weapons. The Constitutional amendment fostering Sharia law has cemented our traditional friendship.
“Budget: I am happy to report that seven trillion dollars in savings will be realized by the end of my first term. As you know, two trillion was saved by not extending the Iraq war for an additional ten years. As I speak, signs are being installed in every government office which declare, ‘One thousand dollar fine for urinating in public.’ Since two million federal employees will refrain from doing so, these hard-working folks shall generate over two billion dollars in avoided fines a day, five days a week. Any fines collected will be applied to the national debt.
“A final comment. As some of you may know, Franklin Roosevelt’s spouse, Eleanor, wrote a syndicated column entitled, ‘My Day’. I take pleasure in announcing that Michelle’s column will soon appear in all subsidized newspapers. So watch for ‘Say What?’
“And so, my fellow Americans , good night and ProLine StagePro Teleprompter—oops.”