09-022

Let’s See, Economy

When the economy acts upset or in turn becomes a runaway child, the best advice I can give is to open the cupboard that contains your liquor and begin to part ways with your sorrows, even if that should take all night and spill over into the following day’s call for dinner. During a drunken sojourn surpassing a fortnight, along with much contemplation and little deliberation, I composed a list of ways to improve the economy.

Purchase an interest, much as one might purchase a pet. The store clerk could not have been more confused, but nonetheless I walked out of the General Store with an imaginary pet interest. Most experts in the news media say the urban community needs an economic jolt. To do my part, to show I am a team player, I decided to name my interest Antwan. As many pet dogs can get into trouble, my pet interest Antwan led quite a life.

Apparently, Antwan snuck out one night and took a loan on a rate that was on a downswing interest, but knocked out an upswing interest, then split dividends with an unseen interest, yet no one took an interest. And this was in the best interest for Antwan as he would have otherwise ended up in the pound. He came home, tired as anything, with nothing to show for himself but an expression of pity, and fell into a deep sleep. Should this occur to your pet interest I suggest patting it on the head with an imaginary quote from the diary of John Maynard Keynes, let us say page 3,547 that goes: “I lied! I don’t have a damn clue!”

If for some reason this does not work, in which case I doubt it would work in the first place because it is rather silly, I suggest you reflect on Einstein’s expressive box within a box. Place your imaginary pet interest into an imaginary box. When space and time begin to appear as though they are pointless and without form, then you can see quite correctly that the economy shares this trait. Where does this leave us? Oh yes, right back where we started.

Should you have a maid be sure to explain your theory on imaginary interest rates and if she takes comfort in your otherwise absurd ideas then you have hit the jackpot! This maid won’t know the difference between real money and Monopoly tender. Maybe you haven’t saved the world economy but you have saved yourself a ton of money. May I suggest you spend the difference on a new cabinet of liquor. By this time you are probably dry.