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How to Lie

The day may come (as it did for me last Wednesday, when I turned *agebleep*) when you must tell a lie perfectly.

It may be a white lie told for mercy's sake ("Of course you weren't off-key, dear; everyone knew it was that microphone") or huge and stinky ("I wouldn't THINK of kissing your nasty old boyfriend").

When the time comes, keep several important points in mind.

The more elaborate and outrageous your lie, the more likely that people will accept it without question. Often I explain obvious truths frankly, and no one believes me. But if I smile secretively, wink, or act mystical, they think I'm keeping a juicy secret, which they DEMAND to know. They won't let go until I make up a real whopper (with cheese, no pickles or onions).

Avoid telltale body language like touching your nose and scratching behind your ear. That nervous little chuckle is a dead giveaway. Put your hand over your heart as you intone, "I did not make whoopee with that woman." You are a method actor; you must BELIEVE. You're not saying you didn't submarine-race with every other fox at that party; you're merely saying not with THAT woman. Visualizing your middle school gym teacher can be helpful.

Example "starter" lies:

* These donations are for the homeless.

* That dress makes you look skinny!

* My computer ate the corrected tax document.

Work up to challenging stuff like "It must've gotten lost in the mail" and "Daddy gave me the keys to the Bentley."

Okay: suppose some jerk asks your age, which you've kept secret as long as Hillary has been a Democrat.

Smile. Remember, don't touch your nose!

Say, "I'd prefer not to say directly, but riddle me this: I'm four times as old as you were when I was three times as old as you were when I was twice as old as you are now." He'll punch you in the nose and run off clutching his bruised fist, leaving you to nurse your bleeding visage.

Rehearse. Lie to grocery clerks, your manicurist, and impressionable children. Fabrications must leap trippingly off your tongue as naturally as your breath (be sure to keep Binaca handy). Soon you'll be so convincing that you'll be drinking your own snake oil.

And isn't that the point? Seinfeld's George Costanza said: "It's not a lie if you believe it." What IS truth, anyway? Philosophers have fought over this for centuries. Who's to say that in some parallel universe, what you're claiming isn't true?

Thackeray wrote, “A thousand thoughts lie within a man that he does not know 'til he takes up a pen." This also applies to lying: it's addictive! You will find yourself lying about where you put the toothpaste just for the hell of it. Watch out, as you'll soon be lying to yourself.

*WARNING* Depending on your deity, lying may lead to your eternal damnation.

Good luck. May all your lies be harmless ones.

And remember, NO NOSE RUBBING.