A Guide to Parenting in the 21st Century


Parenting in today’s world is a tough job but somebody’s got to do it and sometimes that even means the parents.  Older generations got guidance from Dr. Spock (sadly, often confused with Mr. Spock which explains the prevalence of bowl haircuts on young children in the 60’s), but ever since his death (Dr. Spock—not Mr. Spock), a few alert people began to suspect he was no longer the one updating his book. The Team of Researchers to Advise Parents (TRAP) was formed to answer parents’ most pressing questions. Commonly confused with TARP, it got billions in funding.


My child is almost two. Is there any way to prevent the crying and screaming associated with this year?


Unfortunately, no.  Accept the fact that you will be screaming and crying at least three days a week.


How does the “No Child Left Behind” legislation affect our children?


In the past, schools were not made accountable for our children’s welfare. All over the country, children were being left behind—at science museums, art institutes, and even zoos. Busloads of children were taken on field trips every school year, but some were not bussed back and principals who spoke on condition of anonymity confirmed our suspicion that the process was indeed selective. The NCLB Act strictly forbids children being left behind (except at schools outside district lines). 


How have traditional games changed?


Many games have undergone sensitivity upgrades.

In “Tag”, the child may NOT be called IT—such language objectives the child. He may be called “the child tagged who then becomes the chaser” or “the runner previously known as IT”.


How do we keep our kids off drugs?


Sit down as a family and watch an entire season of Ozzy Osbourne's reality show.


How can I get my kids physically fit?


While driving them to the school bus stop, brainstorm for ways to squeeze in exercise.


Are extracurricular activities beneficial? My daughter takes soccer, dance, gymnastics, drama, karate, piano, computer and potty training (which she is flunking, but her analyst feels this could be due to stress of some kind). 


The important thing is to make sure they are scheduled from morning until night (much easier in China where children are allowed to work from morning until night) to avoid the dreaded “I'm sooooo bored” syndrome—symptoms include whining and complaining followed by imaginative play and creativity. If Bill Gates been kept busy as a child, he would never have invented Windows, which is now Vista and has everyone pulling their hair out.


Is it okay for my child to have a cell phone, blackberry, laptop, and pager everywhere he goes?

Yes, it is critical to be technologically savvy in today’s global economy. For safety reasons, however, be sure he pushes them to the foot of the crib before sleeping.


In compliance with the “No Funds Left Behind” policy, TRAP members will make a full accounting of expenses upon return from excessive training.  ALOHA!