09-032

Shambles!

DON’T LOOK NOW, but the economy is in a shambles. I assure you I’m acutely (as a buttonly, in fact) sensitive to these things and I know a shamble when I see one! In fact, this untidiness is not unlike the mess left in the streets of New York after the tickertape parade to which I was entitled but which, for reasons too embarrassing to divulge, never occurred. In fact the comparison does not end here. Like the aforementioned parade (and yes, I AM the one who mentioned it afore), there is a lot of worthless paper floating about. Businessmen, scholars and journalists have attempted to reconstruct the truth by having a giant jig-saw puzzle party to re-assemble these pieces. This has led to problems of a different nature, as some of the professors specialize only in edge pieces, the businessmen only care about corners (confusing them with offices), while journalists … well, you get the idea.

Meanwhile, the economy has deteriorated to such an order of magnitude (with a side of slaw, to go) that only a deus ex machina can save us. What? You don’t know? It means ‘god from a machine’. Don’t take my word for it, look it up – or just LOOK UP, as is the case here – and you may see Zeus or Apollo descending from Olympus in a contraption somewhat like a hot-air balloon basket (complete with shoulder harnesses) to untangle a hopelessly convoluted plot . If you see something, be sure to give me a jingle and grab two front row seats – I’ll bring the popcorn!

We must be prepared for this, so I have taken the liberty of writing the screenplay, submitted herewith.

ACT ONE

[Zeus descends from the heavens. He balances his thunderbolt precariously on the edge of his ‘machina’ while climbing out.]

Zeus (in heavy Olympian accent): Nature abhors a Hoover, but what gives, mortals?

Uncle Edith (who insists on being in the cast, frantically paging thru his English/Ancient Greek dictionary): Souvlaki! Abacus gyros, oxymoron!

Paparazzi: Zeusie, baby, give us a smile!

Mamarazzi: Any truth to the rumor that Hera has a baby bump now?

Apollo (offstage, from high up): How do I deploy the landing gear?

[Crash]

Zeus (condescendingly, helping Apollo to his feet): I see you have the Saturn model.

Apollo: I’d trade up if you increased my allowance, pop. (looking around) Gadzooks! Will you look at this mess! It’s definitely a two-deus job.

Chorus:

A two days’ job! A job of two days!

Our savings are rescued! Huzzahs and Oles!

Zeus (revving the machina’s engine): But first I must [winking] ‘drop in’ on a few Broadway shows!

Apollo (chortling godlily): And I’m making a surprise cameo appearance at the Apollo Theater!

Zeus and Apollo address the crowd (with insufficient postage): Your call is very important to us. Please stand by for the next available god! Meanwhile, if you’d like to see Act Two, see Act Two.

ACT TWO

Egads! I only have one word left: Andtheyalllivedhappilyeveryeafter!