How to host a Super Bowl party

(Benchley Award submission)


        I was really psyched for this year’s Super Bowl, because I wanted to see if the Arizona Somethings could beat the Pittsburgh Whatevers for the world championship of a sport played exclusively in the United States.

            This excitement to see if my 19th favorite team could beat my 24th favorite is a major reason why I hosted a Super Bowl party. (The other reason is that I want an excuse to eat potato salad leftovers for the next month). And you can host one, too, provided you are good at picking Dorito crumbs out of your carpet.

            You’ll need food on hand, but good luck getting the right amount for your guests.  If you buy one pound of deli meat, 40 people will come.  If you buy 20 pounds, it’ll be three people.  If you buy eight pounds you’ll have 15 guests, but they’ll all be vegans.

            A similar problem arises with beer, wherein if you buy it in advance, your guests will arrive bearing six-packs; but if you don’t have any on hand, nobody will bring their own.  The easy fix is to make the event “BYOB,” but then you run the very real risk that people will bring Miller High Life into your home, beer the Bush administration deemed too cruel to give Guantanamo detainees.

            But people will care less about your lousy food if you’ve got the proper HDTV.  Even if you don’t yet have that 65-inch 1080p plasma screen, it’s never too late to get one, provided you follow a few smart shopping tips.

            For example, you’ll want to get a view of what the TV looks like after dark, because most of the Super Bowl occurs after sunset.  So you should shop at night, preferably around 3 am.  You’ll also want to bring along some burly teamsters, to help lift the TV.  It could be chilly outside, so everybody should wear ski masks.

            Also, in case you happen to run into a manager, be sure to tell him his home address and his children’s names and ages.  This personal touch will show him you are not “just another customer,” and he will probably let your ski-masked teamsters carry out your new television for free. 

            Yes, with the proper food and TV, you can host the best Super Bowl party your invitees will attend all year.  If it’s anything like mine, it’ll be the perfect environment to watch the premier sporting event of the year and root, root, root for the Whoevers.