09-043

FEARS AT THE DOOR—AND HOW TO LEAVE THEM THERE

Chivalry is not dead. It is, however, old. Like most things, it becomes senseless with age. Like most senseless things, it has also found a comfortable home at southern universities throughout the country.

The most visible form of chivalry on campus can be observed in the practice of holding doors open for others. Beside almost all doorways await individuals poised to grant effortless passage from one side to the next. Their qualifications remaining dubious, these threshold knights may be regarded with suspicion, at least by those of us with inferiority complexes.

At first, we may receive the gesture as simply another in a series of nerve-wracking scenarios we face as we go about our day. But as the years pass, we grow more experienced, our hearts cool, and we come to see it for the hostile threat it truly is.

Below is a list of defensive strategies I have developed over the years as I endured just such a transition in thought.

Freshman year

—Apologize

For your existence.

—Turn around and head in opposite direction

Prevents need for apology.

Sophomore year

—Run into door

That’ll show him to make assumptions.

—Stand in threshold and stare at floor

Breathe heavily for effect.

Junior year

—Sneak wedge under door

Watch as holder discovers it and undergoes existential meltdown.

—Put someone else’s hand on door

Watch as holder discovers it and undergoes existential meltdown.

Senior year

—Hold nearby door, luring passersby with plate of hors d’oeuvre

Alternative: tell passersby that the other door holder is guarding hell.

—Hand door holder your coat

Have bucket of water ready. You will need it to throw at him when he begins searching for coat room.

—Apologize

To him and all others you’ve hurt.

But perhaps the best course of action would be to collect yourself and bear a walk through the doorway. Appeasing a door holder in this way will bolster his sense of purpose and heroism. This may ultimately lead to his joining a war, one for which he will be sent to a remote location, ensuring a better country for us all by freeing up the women while he’s gone.

The absence of these door holders will also leave feminists with no one to yell at in the hallway as we sit timidly on the steps and wait, just hoping they go away before class starts.