10-004
How to
kill the family cat
My cat has a permanent scowl and despite
having a cat door, every night, it wakes me up wanting to be let in and out or
vice versa. My sleep is being severely disturbed. I researched the issue and
found that cats do not have nine lives. This old adage is a reference to failed
assassination attempts by their owners, I realised that I was not alone in my
murderous thoughts.
As my cat is my property I can kill it,
provided it is not done in a cruel manner. For instance, drowning in a bucket
although quick, may be prohibited as an extreme form of water boarding. Even a
pillow placed gently over the face after it has dozed for 20 hours straight in
its favorite chair may be considered cruel in the cold light of the court room.
Therefore, it is best left to a Vet. But,
most Vets, not all, are animal lovers and treat requests for execution of a
healthy albeit malevolent animal as motivated by cruel intent and therefore
illegal.
This is why many regimes, when dealing with
subversives, use “trumped up” charges. As the Vet’s determination is behind
closed doors with no witnesses, no investigation and no appeal, accusations of
attacks on pregnant mothers, babies, widows or, as a last resort, puppies
should work fairly well. As many cats have a night life that Hannibal Lechter
would be proud of, the Vet should be easily convinced that he is dealing with
an enemy of the state and any delay on his part may result in a law suit
against him by one of the victims.
But, my cat’s untimely death may not improve
my sleep. Guilt may weigh upon me as it did with Lady Macbeth. Alternatively,
my small triumph may result in my turning on other members of my family who are
even more irritating.
Sadly, I have reached an age where I find
that my only nemesis is the family cat.
I have resolved to outlive it and try and get out more.