How to kill the family cat


My cat has a permanent scowl and despite having a cat door, every night, it wakes me up wanting to be let in and out or vice versa. My sleep is being severely disturbed. I researched the issue and found that cats do not have nine lives. This old adage is a reference to failed assassination attempts by their owners, I realised that I was not alone in my murderous thoughts.

As my cat is my property I can kill it, provided it is not done in a cruel manner. For instance, drowning in a bucket although quick, may be prohibited as an extreme form of water boarding. Even a pillow placed gently over the face after it has dozed for 20 hours straight in its favorite chair may be considered cruel in the cold light of the court room.


Therefore, it is best left to a Vet. But, most Vets, not all, are animal lovers and treat requests for execution of a healthy albeit malevolent animal as motivated by cruel intent and therefore illegal.


This is why many regimes, when dealing with subversives, use “trumped up” charges. As the Vet’s determination is behind closed doors with no witnesses, no investigation and no appeal, accusations of attacks on pregnant mothers, babies, widows or, as a last resort, puppies should work fairly well. As many cats have a night life that Hannibal Lechter would be proud of, the Vet should be easily convinced that he is dealing with an enemy of the state and any delay on his part may result in a law suit against him by one of the victims.


But, my cat’s untimely death may not improve my sleep. Guilt may weigh upon me as it did with Lady Macbeth. Alternatively, my small triumph may result in my turning on other members of my family who are even more irritating.


Sadly, I have reached an age where I find that my only nemesis is the family cat.  I have resolved to outlive it and try and get out more.