10-007

God blessed the seventh day and made it holy.

But on the eighth day, God awoke from deep slumber and found his feet cold -- not warm -- and lacked companionship, so he created a gentle beast with a tennis ball-sized brain. God named this four-legged mongrel Dog, the reverse spelling of his name. And God chuckled at his own cleverness, which caused earthquakes in some parts of Pangaea that killed thousands.

And God wanted man to have companionship outside of woman, despite her good looks and sway over man; a companion that would not groan when sporting events went into overtime.

And God created Dog -- and tennis balls.

Of all the fish in the sea, birds in the air and beasts on the ground (and things in between like leprechauns), God held this beast above others, bequeathing unto Dog the ability to perform commands, such as thou shall sit, shake, fetch or bark at squirrels, though Dog would only commit such actions if treats shaped like bones were present.

In creating various sizes, shapes and colors of Dog, God felt no shame, for God enjoyed the irony of "playing God."

And God chuckled yet again (this time killing millions).

Seeing man upset at times, for Dog enjoyed eating thine delicious casserole off the countertop as it cooled or urinating on the floor where man was most apt to step, God gave Dog sad puppy eyes.

And Dog took advantage of his natural cuteness in all self-benefiting occasions, including when thine delicious casserole was devoured in the Kitchen of Eaten.

But God grew vengeful, for he, too, enjoyed casserole in his belly. And of all the casseroles that swam in the sea, flew in the air and roamed the ground, including the tuna, chicken and beef varieties, God created the forbidden fruit of chocolate.

And felines.

Then, in taking one rib from Cat, God also created vacuum cleaners.

Dog loved thine owner and rested in the House of the Lord while God toiled at work, though not upon the couch of slumber, which was prohibited and punishable with the word "Cage!" And Dog had enough intelligence in thine walnut-sized brain to slink off the couch when he heard the sound of God's Grand Am arrive home, and waited at the door for God, scratching upon its surface with fevered excitement -- though this, too, was prohibited and rectified with the utterance of the word "Cage!"

And God rested warmly on the ninth day in bed with a hangover, and Dog curled up at his feet, and knowing his father could not see him doing so, inched to the head of the bed, nearly causing his father to fall upon the ground.

God awoke with anger, though it was quickly suppressed with dog's moist tongue and doggie breath that oddly smelled of casserole.

And all was right with the world, and would remain that way until the tenth day, when God planned on vacuuming and making a pizza casserole.

Amen!