10-008
Cooking Light
The
sandwich, history tells us, was invented in the eighteenth century by a guy too
busy running the British navy to leave his office for a leg of overdone mutton
or some nice, home-cooked calves’
brains. Also, he was an earl. So when he asked for two pieces of bread with
“something chewy in the middle” to be delivered to his desk, people didn’t look
at him as if he’d just proposed leasing London to the French. They jumped to
it, shouting, “You heard the man!
Bread! Sliced meat! On the double!”
Circumstances
were not so favorable for the twenty-first-century suburban dad who may have
devised the single most important modification of the sandwich to date. One day
this complex and mysterious figure opened the refrigerator to find some of its
usual contents lacking.
“Looks
like we’re having bread sandwiches for lunch!” he announced to the three kids
peering into the depths of the empty meat tray along with him.
“Don’t
they always have bread?” one of the kids asked warily.
“Daddy
means they only have bread,” said his older sister in a tone suggesting she’d
been down this sort of road before with Daddy.
“What
law says a sandwich has to have something in the middle? If a donut had
something in the middle, it still wouldn’t be a sandwich, would it?”
There
was silence and then a counterproposal. “Mommy said to tell you we could have
turkey burgers.”
“That
sounds,” the dad said gravely, “like
something we’d need to cook.”
“Not
really. You just turn on the microwave. The way you do with those frozen,
star-shaped things.”
“You
mean my recipe for Chicken D’etoile?”
History
is silent about what exactly happened next. But all the evidence points to the
kids going on to lead healthy and productive lives. Meanwhile the dad was left
to face his wife when she came home.
“The
only reason,” he defended himself to her, “that we think of a sandwich in a
certain way is because hundreds of years ago everyone started saying they
wanted to have what Sandwich was having. Isn’t it about time for some creative
variations?”
“What
happened to you in the kitchen? Didn’t you used to be able to make crepes?”
“Let’s
not romanticize the crepes. There were some creative variations there too. I
left out the flour once, and Mario Batali gave me you-know-what. The kids are a
lot more open-minded.”
In fact, later that week the same dad
caught one of his sons eating a “Nutella sandwich” right out of a jar.
“Where’s
the bread?” he asked, glancing back and forth between the kitchen counter on
which his son was standing and the unopened loaf.
“What
law says a sandwich has to have bread?”
None
that the dad could think of, and he’d once flirted with the idea of taking the
LSAT. Never mind the Chicken D’etoile he was about to go to all the trouble of
nuking. He’d have what his son was having.