Whether you like it or not, one day your adopted child is going to realize you aren’t his real parents. Maybe it will be because he only speaks Chinese and can’t understand a word you’re saying. Or, maybe one of his classmates will ask why, while his brothers are all midgets, he’s almost eight-feet tall.


Whatever the reason, sooner or later he’s going to figure it out.


Since it’s better for him to hear the news straight from the non-biological horses mouth, I’ve come up with a list of light-hearted ways to let your child know that, even though he’s not really yours, you like him anyway.


Oh, and if you think that my self-professed barren womb renders this advice useless...well, all I can say is “Think again”.


1. SAY IT ON A T-SHIRT- This is a really fun way to tell your child he’s adopted. All you need to do is go out and buy a t-shirt with a picture of an arrow on the front, and write “I’m With Adopted Child” above it. Then, after putting it on, casually walk over to your child. Once you’re confident that he’s standing directly where the arrow is pointing, look at him and then point to your shirt.

As long as your child can read, he’ll get it.


2. WAIT UNTIL HE ASKS TO BORROW MONEY- The first time your adopted child comes up to you and says “Hey, Dad. Can I borrow some money?” stare blankly at him for a while, then say hilariously, “Well, I would, son, if you were my real child. But seeing as you’re adopted, it looks like you’ll have to go out there and find yourself a job.


3. DO AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE- This is a great idea if your child happens to be one of those creative-types.  All you need to do is dress up as a uterus and dance around in circles, every so often making gestures as if to say, “Sorry I have to tell you this, but you’re adopted.”

Be sure to incorporate grand, eloquent movements, like wide swooshes of the arms and elaborate head shakes. Then, finish off by falling dramatically to the ground, remaining motionless in the non-fetal position (so as not to confuse him) until final fade out.

Although music isn’t necessary, I find congo drums add a sense of raw innocence to the piece.  Same goes for ribbons and brightly-colored unitards.


4. POST-IT-NOTES- Really, who wouldn’t want to receive life-changing news from a post-it-note? They’re just so versatile.


5. TWITTER- This could very well be the most convenient way of all, as now you can tweet your adopted child from the comfort of your own personal blackberry!

@adoptedson Hey! How r u? Just wanted 2 let u no ur adopted. TTYL!

Make sure you keep it under 140 characters, though. Otherwise he might think you’re trying to tell him that he’s “Ado, Akwamuhene Ruler of the Akan People.”