10-021
History Detective Does It Again
- Nobel Committee Takes Note
Though the true origin of
Valentine’s Day has long been clouded by indifference, recent revelations in my
mind have provided uncharacteristic lucidity, shocking my doctors and putting
the question to rest once and for all
In Third Century Rome, Emperor
Claudius II decided single men made better soldiers than those with wives and
families, outlawing marriage for young men and ensuring a steady supply of edgy,
short-fused fighters for the Roman army. This severely limited the prospects
for young women, upsetting them to no end, while simultaneously causing the emperor’s
approval rating to skyrocket in the ‘males, age 35-to-50’ bunch.
A priest named Valentine, comprehending
the injustice of such a decree, began to wed young couples in secrecy. These
weddings took place in a fictional cave near the foot of Mt. Aelop (giving rise
to the modern-day word ‘elope’ which translates to mean ‘right under the
emperor’s big fat nose’).
Valentine’s insolence was
soon made known to the emperor, prompting Claudius to call for the priest’s
execution.
Valentine, understandably
disconcerted by this edict, prepared to flee to the United States; which,
unfortunately for him, hadn’t been invented yet. In fact, it would be several
centuries before the world would take on its present globular form, and North
America would cease drifting about, finally declaring itself an independent
continent.
Escaping instead to France,
Valentine immediately recognized the French an insufferable people and, without
unpacking his bags, made for England. Upon arriving in London, Valentine set up
shop as a monger of flowers, confections and pickled beets; goods that were
largely spurned by the locals as frivolous extravagance.
To make ends meet, Valentine
hunted wild game, having the good fortune one day of taking a goat. This ultimately
proved a misfortune when it was learned that Valentine’s arrow had found one of
the king’s goats—a goat, not surprisingly, indistinguishable from any other
goat.
Valentine was arrested
forthwith.
At trial, Valentine’s defense
centered ‘round the unlikely story that a cherubic, midget had committed the
crime, flying away before All the King’s Men
arrived to pronounce the unfortunate goat’s demise. (It seems All the King’s Men had been occupied in
processing the scene of a suspicious accident involving an egg, which may or
may not have been pushed from a wall). Valentine was about to add that the
midget was riding a unicorn, but could see the gullible King’s Court had already fallen for his ruse—something he could
never have put over on the far more cynical French.
The king ordered Valentine’s
release (forthwith) and called for an immediate round-up of all chubby midget
archers… a disturbingly common demographic in those days.
Meanwhile, back in Rome, Pope
Gelasius I (creator of the popular Italian treat, Gelato), for no reason
whatsoever, issued a decree that established Valentine’s Day as an official
holiday; the holiday originally being celebrated (at the clever suggestion of
Valentine, himself) with gifts of flowers, confections and pickled beets.
And that’s the truth about
the origin of Valentine’s Day.