10-024

The Alarmed Clock

I’m exhausted -- I haven’t been sleeping well lately.

I’ve been wanting to start my day properly and get up on a decent schedule for quite some time now. When my friend suggested, “perhaps an alarm clock would help,” I thoughtlessly acquired a new bedside companion.

That evening, I set it. Come morning, it rang.

Now it turned out that this alarm clock didn’t ring with an ordinary jingle jangle, but rather with that taunting sort of jangle jingle -- the kind that says: “Hey you! Why aren’t you up yet? How lazy are you anyway?”

Well I don’t take that kind of insinuation from anybody, much less from a household object, and especially when I’m otherwise in the middle of reverie.

I decided to show it who’s boss, so I gave it a satisfying thwack, and returned to my inner sanctum.

Mere moments passed...

“Rrrring Rrrring Rrrring Rrrring!”

I repeated my previous actions, as if expecting a different result.

This time I rolled over...

“Rrrring Rrrring Rrrring Rrrring!”

“So soon again? What are you, my dental hygienist?”

So I gave it another thwack, and this time placed it face down on the table-top, as a form of punishment.

I blinked my eyes...

“Rrrrankgle-Krrrangle-Trrrangckkle-Prrraackkle!!”

This time the alarm clock bounced around on the marble table-top like a child’s toy, causing the entire table to vibrate in sympathy, but not for me.

“What now?! Are you some kind of broken record?”

Coincidentally, the marble table-top had by this time suffered a small fracture which would later cause it to crack open, much like a tooth after years of neglected dental appointments.

I threw the alarm clock against the wall, hoping to hear it smash into a thousand tiny pieces.

It did smash into several, but unfortunately the spring and bell fell into the heating grate. And proceeded to get wedged inside the venting pipe.

“Brrrackkle-Drrruddlle-Thudddlle-Brrruuckle!!!”

This would have awakened the entire neighborhood, if it weren’t for the fact that it was already ten of eleven. 

I should have been more thorough with my friend who suggested I use this utterly contemptible device.

See, my idea of starting the day properly begins with another pillow, a dream or two, warm feet, and an extended cozy-in -- at least until last night’s cocktail comes due by mid-afternoon.  And the only truly decent schedule for sleep requires timing with a calendar.

Since then, I have bought another alarm clock -- mostly to show it what I did to the previous one. Wisely, this one hasn’t the temerity to disturb my slumber. But I suspect it still gets a thrill every time the flue sends a rush of air past the noisy bits of my old nemesis roosted in the venting...

“Clunk. Srrrasssle-Whooshrrrl-Shrrraggle. Clunk!”