Certificates of Authenticity


I have decided to start a new public service, and I thought would announce it in this space to attract new customers. Come Arbor Day, or a week from Michaelmas, which ever comes first, I will start the ďCertificates of Real Authenticity ProgramĒ to issue Certificates of Authenticity to anybody who needs one.


Certificates of Authenticity, or COAs as they were known during the Wars of the Roses, serve an important and necessary need in the community. Without a Certificate of Authenticity, how could you be sure that the Chef Bob Deluxe Chopper Upper that you ordered from the infomercial or the blueprint you bought on eBay showing Leonardo Da Vinciís plans for a steam powered blimp are authentic and not just some fly‑by‑night scheme to separate you from your money? You couldnít and thatís the point.


Certificates of Authenticity offer peace of mind in troubled times. Think of Certificates of Authenticity as small, paper security blankets.


Currently, Certificates of Authenticity are only available from people selling things of dubious value. Exactly what legitimacy attaches to a certificate issued by such people is questionable, but apparently it is a great selling point. COAs accompany all manner of things, but faux gems, coins, and art works of various types seem to be the most certified.


I hold that the potential market is broader than that. Take for example lemons. Say lemons cost four for a dollar. If I offer a Certificate of Authenticity with each piece of citrus, doubtless the price would go up. The document would certify the fruitís authenticity as a lemon so that the buyer would have written assurance that he was not getting stuck with a bag of kumquats.


But anybody can tell the difference between a lemon and a kumquat you said. Not so fast. What with the miracles wrought by computer, lasers, plastic surgery and Hollywood special effects there is very little in this world you can count on these days. If you had a Certificate of Authenticity for your lemons, and they turned out to be kumquats, you would have something to fall back on, or at least wrap the peels in. Think of the peace of mind.


Those are just some of the things I could certify. Iím sure Iíll think of more. Certainly many politicians could use a certificate certifying that they were really as loopy as they sound when they make speeches.


Once the requests come rolling in, Iím going to get a new printer so the certificates can be done in a kaleidoscope of colors with great graphics and Old English letters. Itís a well known true fact (Dr. Murney. Das Facten Wel Knowen. Berlin; 1923) that anything certified to in Old English letters is even more authentically authentic.