2012 Election News: Every Adult American Is Running for President

Experts fear a 180 million-way tie.

The growing ranks of Presidential candidates has swollen to the point that every Adult American is  running for President. An exhausted looking Head of the Federal Election Commission (FEC) told  reporters:

“The American ego has trumped over government paperwork requirements.  That is, as of five o’clock yesterday, every adult American has signed up to run for President. Now, our problem no one is left to run for Vice President. ”

The commissioner added: “In case, you are interested, when elected, I promise to cut electoral paper work by 67.2 percent.”

According to the FEC, the last remaining adult who had refused to run for President, Harry Eagleton an 84 year old pensioner living in Tifton New Jersey, filed his claim midnight April 30th. Mr. Eagleton was quoted telling his favorite nurse:

“By golly, why not? I can run the country better than Calvin Coolidge. Besides, when I am elected, the White House staff can help me fill out my medical prescriptions.”

Dennis Kucinich, 4 time Presidential candidate, told reporters: 

“For once, I am better qualified than 179.99 million candidates.  Maybe this time, my wife will vote for me.”

According to backbiting rumors, a panicked League of Women Voters is frantically trying to organize next year’s Presidential debates. League members admit they are working on a way to fit 180 million wooden podiums on one stage and still find space for 284 Congressional egos.

Debate organizers also complained that only people they can find to sit in the audience auditorium are underage minors, illegal aliens and former President Jimmy Carter.”

As the candidate list lengthened, Candidate Donald Trump announced that he had “inside” evidence that two/thirds of the Hispanic candidates had illegally sneaked into Africa assuming that a Kenyan residency would  “qualify”  them to run for the Presidency of the United States.

 In contrast, former Speaker of the House Newt Gringrich welcomed the flood of new candidates saying that in today’s free choice, market world, it was inevitable that Democracy would spread and infect every American’s sense of self importance.

Gringrich told reporters: 

“The concept of the Macro-geo-sprawl President is obsolete. That is, with today’s technology, every American can be President of his or her own nano-district. This way each citizen can raise taxes only when he or she personally needs a government service. Frankly, I have been my own nano-President for two decades and I pay taxes only when I want to subsidize my personal agro-food-digestive complex.”

 President Obama admitted that Joe Biden and his wife was running against him for President but said he relished the challenge of running against every adult American.

The President promised that if elected, he would introduce a government program to help Mr. Eagelton and his favorite nurse fill out medical prescriptions. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Eagelton claimed he was busy convincing Mrs. Kucinich’s that he was better qualified to be President than both her own husband and Calvin Coolidge.