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The Real(ish) Story of St. Patrick’s Day
Of course everyone knows that St. Patrick is the
patron saint of four-leaf clovers because he was partial to the color
green. But there are other little known
facts about St. Patrick that the average person might not know.
For Instance, back in the days when St Patrick was
alive, they had a lot of snakes slithering around Ireland. It was quite disconcerting. The whole place just gave you the Heebie
Jeebies. In fact, this is why the Irish
Jig was invented -- to keep from stepping on them. But that’s another story I haven’t made up yet.
Anyway, St. Patrick, who happened to not like snakes
very much, decided to take it upon himself to rid the entire Emerald Isle of
them. He went about this by writing down his goal and sticking it up on the
village mirror in addition to chanting “six slippery snakes slid slowly
seawards” in his spare time.
(Counter-intuitively, this was considered fun in those days.)
It must have worked because St. Patrick is credited,
history-wise, with getting rid of the entire Irish snake population in one fell
swoop. The story goes somewhat but not very much like this.
You see, St. Patrick was nothing if not
charming. He had it all, looks,
education and a flashy carriage in which to ride around impressing peasants
right and left.
So St. Patrick, being a man of the cloth, (he had a
huge and impressive cloth collection) decided that everyone hopping around all
the time to sidestep snakes was depleting the citizenry of their usual
vim. (Vigor hadn’t been invented yet.)
Since arm-twisting was going to be out of the
question, St. Patrick finally decided to coax the snakes out of Ireland by
inviting them over to his house under the ruse of celebrating St. Patrick’s
Day.
He then began the task of charming the pants off them
(in those days Irish Snakes wore plaid pants with little matching berets). He
accomplished this by slathering on the blarney pretty thickly, followed
promptly by a plethora of pandering and polishing it all off with a prodigious
pitcher of empty promises. Pat was
pretty proud!
When he realized he was running low on straws for the
rum and Cokes, he quickly herded his limbless revelers outside and managed to
lure them over the White Cliffs of Dover where they toppled, snake-like, into the
sea – dead as doornails (very large doornails but doornails just the same).
And of course we all know what happened next. St. Patrick painted the White Cliffs of
Dover green to commemorate the occasion and who wouldn’t?
So next time you have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day,
you’ll know why.