11-030
Conventional wisdom dictates (how very undemocratic of conventional wisdom!) that certain topics must be avoided at the dinner table. Aside from obvious incendiary subjects (excluding the cherries flambé), such as the hostess’s poisonous pot roast, or what a freeloader Uncle Harry is, not to mention Junior’s apelike table manners, chief among discouraged discourses are religion, politics and sex. Two of these topics are sure to inspire passion among intellectuals (which rules out sex, for the moment).
Religion
and politics create a slippery slope, not unlike the gravy-stained table
linens, but are far more difficult to expunge from the memories of the diners.
One misplaced word may follow the guests to the grave, whereas a smattering of
ptomaine might only make it as far as the hospital emergency room. Therefore,
season your conversation as carefully as you would your duck, lest your guests
end up in the hands of a quack.
If
religion is food for the soul, is it not better to send the guests away wispily
wanting rather than bloated and bickering? Theology is a dish best served
chilled with a side of rum-soaked fruitcake (the better to induce stupor and
avoid flying cutlery).
Politics
is a precarious subject because of its polarizing effect. Statistically, half
of your guests will chortle with fiendish glee at the foibles of any incumbent
administration, while the other half will feel compelled to fling dinner rolls
in protest. In the interest of bipartisanship, simply wait (four to eight
years) and invite the same group back, at which time the flingers will become
the flingees and the overturned flambé will end up setting your tablecloth on
fire, ultimately uniting the adversaries in a bucket brigade.
With
the volatile combination of religion and politics dismissed, the lively art of
conversation is likely to take a wrong turn past the powder room. Send it back
toward the table directly beneath the nude fresco.
Which
brings us back to the subject of sex (what doesn’t?), and why it is an unfit
topic for civilized repartee. This is a deceptive argument, for who is to say
that sex is an unfit subject, (besides conventional wisdom, propriety, Emily
Post, and society at large)? It is a fine topic if handled delicately, among
intelligent company (which rules out members of your immediate family and
anyone within your vast social circle). Indeed, sex in the wrong hands… perhaps
I’ve said too much already.
In
conclusion, it is not so much what you say as how you say it, when it comes to
avoiding controversy. If someone mentions sex, look bewildered (a cinch for
you!) and playfully mispronounces words (another given). The ensuing confusion
will lead to charades, an appropriate game for guests of all ages.
Regarding
politics, distraction techniques work best. Try submerging your head in the
punch bowl where your most shocking opinions will be safely muffled. And when
choosing sides on religious issues, you can always defer to a higher authority,
presuming your bookie is among the guests.