11-036
Water Logged
Water used to
be a logical and easy beverage option until choices and news’ updates saturated
the market. Hydration has become harrowing and it’s challenging my frugality,
responsibility, and sanity. What happened to the good old days when the only
water decision was “with or without cubes”?
First, free
became trendy, but only if it was bottled and $3.50 a pop at movie theaters and
amusement parks. Water drained family vacation funds faster than tacky
souvenirs. Even restaurants jumped on the bandwagon with that manipulative
“Sparkling, bottled, or tap?” mantra. Insecure patrons everywhere coughed up
the cash to avoid the waiter’s familiar tap water cringe, guaranteed to make
you feel either cheap or dirty. Sometimes saving a few bucks just isn’t worth
it.
And nature’s
beverage is no longer simple. Given the options (purified, spring, seltzer,
enhanced, enhanced with vitamins, enhanced with supplements, enhanced with
natural flavors) and the biochemical controversy of the bottle, one needs a GPS
and Dr Oz to get through the beverage section unscathed. And can you still call
it “water” when it has more ingredients than Hamburger Helper? Still, the “you
get what you pay for” pressure gave millions of us a new version of water
aerobics--hauling hefty cases out of the wholesale clubs, and more than a few
chiropractors an opportunity to cash in on the musculoskeletal repercussions.
Flooded with
mixed messages, consumers are told to conserve water by reusing hotel towels
and then encouraged to buy it for $7 at the minibar. And somewhere along the
line, we’ve come to believe that traveling without the beverage is a health
hazard. Maybe in the Mojave, but last time I checked, there hadn’t been a
single dehydration death due to water bottle omission in Pittsburgh or
Poughkeepsie.
Now, just when
the “bottle is better” mentality has peaked, we are told bottles are bad.
They’re even banned in some eco-conscious settings where a large carbon
footprint is more stigmatizing than a large foot fungus. Suddenly, cringing
waiters are searching for a proper container to carry their tap water. I
haven’t found mine yet, but I’m told I must use this vessel whenever I travel,
except in some countries where I am advised to drink only...bottled water. Help me! I’m drowning in H-2-Ohhhh.