12-012
r u ded?
Some
years ago in Hyogo Prefecture, Japan, three elderly siblings were discovered
living with their father, long deceased. They had, for ten years, been in
consultation with a relative over the possibility that he might have passed on,
but were loath to jump to conclusions in such a serious matter. The Japanese
are a thorough people.
In
an effort to prevent recurrences of this inability to detect the passing of a
loved one, I have constructed this handy flowchart for determining if someone
in your household is suffering from death.
1. Is the subject moving at all?
By this, I mean: is his chest rising and falling to indicate
respiration? Has he blinked in the past 48 hours? If there’s no reaction to
turning off the TV, things look grim.
Yes B> Probably not dead, as such.
No B> Go to 2
2. Is there a disagreeable odor in the vicinity of the subject?
This one can be tricky. I don't mean funk, sweat, must, or
mildew: I mean cadaver: rotting meat,
the trash dumpster behind a butcher shop—that sort of thing. With practice,
poor personal hygiene can be distinguished from cessation of metabolism fairly
reliably.
Yes B> Check for bits of lunchmeat strewn about. If
found, remove and wait several hours. If smell persists or intensifies, we have
a winner.
No B> Go to 3
3. Is the subject making any noise?
The absence of vocalization is in itself not necessarily
diagnostic for death. Many males, in particular, will go for days or even weeks
at a stretch without uttering anything beyond the occasional belch or grunt.
However, a failure to detect any audible release of gas from the traditional
bodily orifices over a period of two hours does warrant further examination.
Yes B> While outgassing as a by‑product of active
decomposition can’t totally be ruled out, you're most likely not looking at a
corpse.
No B> Go to 4
4. Has the subject taken in any food or beverage lately?
An excellent test is to place a bag of chips and a six-pack
of the subject's favorite libation on a table in front of him. If after several
hours neither of them has been wholly or partially consumed, suspect the worst.
Yes B> Discounting hungry passersby, the grim reaper
has not been here.
No B> Go to 5
5. Are there any detached
or sloughing body parts?
Check for any or all of the following: shriveled face, gaping
eye sockets, lips curled back to reveal jawline where gums used to be, hair
falling out in clumps, extremely long nails, rings sliding off due to lack of
flesh on fingers, and a general hollow rattling sound when you reposition
subject while vacuuming.
Yes B> Arrange for a wake.
No B> Try text messaging the subject. If you get a
reply you're dealing with a hopeless technology addict, not a corpse, although
the distinction can be moot. Bury him anyway, just to be safe.