12-026
There’s
nothing like dropping into bed, exhausted, only to look up at the ceiling and
spot a spider overhead. Maybe you can fall asleep knowing that this
creature could decide to drop a line and be your pillow mate, but I can’t. It has to go.
Over the
years, I’ve tried different removal techniques:
A fly
swatter. The little buggers manage to
escape, or they’re suddenly running around in your bed. Not knowing where they are is worse than
knowing. No good.
A
drinking glass. This technique was shared
with me, and has been used successfully, by my sister. Take an ordinary drinking glass and trap the
spider in it by holding the glass firmly to the ceiling. Next, take a piece of paper (you need to
have this in hand before you use the glass), tip the glass slightly, and then
slide the paper under it until it reaches the arachnid, causing it to fall into
the glass. Continue sliding the paper
to cover the glass so the beast can’t escape, and then bring the covered glass
down. This method doesn’t work for me. For one thing, I don’t want to get that
up-close and personal. For another, you
need a flat ceiling. My 1972 apartment
has a cottage cheese ceiling. The nooks
and crannies offer my enemies the ability to weasel out, thereby avoiding their
fate. Also no good.
I’ve been
forced to come up with my own system, which I intend to patent. Oddly enough, I have my three hip replacement
surgeries to thank. (I have only two
hips, so it was disconcerting to have three hips replaced, but I digress.) During my recovery phase, I used a cane,
which I still have. I’ve discovered
that I can take a piece of packaging tape, make a backwards loop with it, i.e.,
put the sticky side out, stick it to the rubber tip on my cane, and then
position the cane under my target. In a
swift and sudden move, I grind the taped tip into the spider and smash it to
the ceiling (or wall). I figure using
something sticky is fair game since that’s how Mr. Spider traps his prey. Knowing how agile these dudes are, I give a few twists before
finally bringing the cane down.
Voila! The spider is stuck to
the tape, usually minus a limb or two.
(Please don’t tell PETA.) I then
remove the tape with a paper towel.
Since tape and paper towels are not good for the toilet, after some additional
“gotcha” squishing, these are disposed of in the trash.
While my method
definitely illustrates the saying, “Necessity is the mother of invention,”
there is a much more profound quote that has stuck with me for many years. In the T.V. show, Designing Women, Delta Burke, as Southern belle, Suzanne
Sugarbaker, nailed it when she said, “I think the man should have to kill the
bug!” That’s the best reason I’ve ever
heard for getting married.