Trouble for Nursery Rhyme Characters


When nursery rhyme characters suffer traumatic injuries, they may find it necessary to seek legal advice should their grievances fail to be addressed promptly. Unfortunately, adequate resolution in such cases is rare, often leading to protracted litigation. As evidence, I offer the following letters refuting the claims of two plaintiffs – the renowned British character actors, Mr. H. Dumpty, of Colchester, and Miss Patience Muffet, of Shoreditch.



Dear Mr. Dumpty,


We respond to your recent letter informing our client of injuries you claim to have sustained while touring the royal property at Windsor Castle. Although we sympathize with your situation, your account of this incident is highly suspicious.


Your description of the royal officers who you indicate came to your aid is dubious, at best, since there have been no “King’s Men” on the royal grounds since George VI passed away in 1952.


Consequently, if the accident transpired as you assert, we can only conclude that the lingering injuries you claim to be suffering actually occurred many decades ago, and that the statute of limitations on any claim has long since expired.


Please also be advised that our client’s walls are built according to the House of Normandy Wall Construction Code of 1066, have been upgraded regularly, and meet all required current building standards.


In addition, the royal walls are clearly marked with signs warning of the dangers to visitors (including avian embryos) who unwisely attempt to navigate these structures.


In conclusion, be advised that our client will not provide the compensation you are seeking for your fairytale injuries. However, in the interests of fostering good relations with her subjects, Her Majesty has indicated she would love to have you for breakfast one morning, should you again visit the area.



White, Yolkem & Shelley

Official Monarchy Legal Council




Dear Miss Muffet,


We wish to address your recent claim that an unexpected encounter with an Araneus diadematus, more commonly known as a garden spider, left you severely traumatized.


Apparently, you have blamed our client, the Curds and Whey Breakfast Foods Co., for this incident claiming that the arachnid in question unexpectedly crawled out of our client’s cereal box and lunged at you.


We have now determined this claim to not only be completely without merit, but also defamatory since you have repeated this accusation numerous times (often in poetic form) to various media outlets. The resulting decline in consumer confidence of our client’s product has caused them financial hardship and we ask that you refrain from future public comment.


As to the additional claim that you sustained a serious concussion after falling heavily to the ground due to the combined effect of shock and a defective tuffet, our client is absolved from any liability.  


We do, however, suggest you contact the Acme Tuffet Corporation regarding the latter issue. We are available to assist you in this matter, should you require legal counsel.



Law Offices of Spinner & Webb